Archives for January 2010

Junk mail for the 41 year old, married female (with a child and a dog)

January 27, 2010 by 13 Comments

As a writer working from home, it is important to keep looking for opportunities and, well, you know, income.  You can imagine my excitement the other day when a whole campaign of work was delivered to my junk mail folder.  The only teeny tiny problem was that it was not being offered to me as work as such.  In fact the sender actually wanted money from me.  But I, as a writer with a bit of experience in public relations and marketing, saw a way to turn this around.

The emails being sent were , well they were not well written.  They got to the point (rather fast) but they did not make an awful lot of sense and they certainly did not appeal to the average woman in the 35-45 year old married female demographic.  And so I have decided to contact the sender with my ideas.  In return they could give me bucketloads of cash or vats of little blue pills.

My task, as I assigned myself, was to take their pithy one line emails that were clearly aimed at Neanderthal, non-English speaking, sex crazed, gullible men (NESSGM) and turn them into something  that would attract the attention of a married, 41 year old English speaking mum of 1 (with a dog).  (ME)

All  NESSGM emails have been transcribed exactly (complete with spelling errors) from my junk mail folder.  I have left out the links because I do not want to give you a virus.  I mean, I hardly even know you.  You do, however get to see the new and improved emails….

OLD

Subject:  Be the inner massgist

Body:    Exaltation of having your rod ready-for-action again! This solution’s worth trying!

NEW

Subject:  Be the dinner mistress

Body:    Imagine the joy of having your dinner ready for serving every night!  Without even trying!

OLD

Subject: Improve your androgen levels

Body:    Get positive changes below the belt

NEW

Subject : Improve the way you feel about your body

Body:    We guarantee positive weight changes around the stomach area.  All you need do is sleep.  In your own bed. ALONE

OLD

Subject:  Detoxicate your body

Body: Right packs for night acts

NEW

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Body:    We will take care of all night time duties – including making dinner, clearing and washing dishes and reading bedtime stories and tucking in child

OLD

Subject: Useful potions.  Approved pillules

Body:    She’ll whisper “you’re the best”

NEW

Subject: Useful emotions.  Approved time out

Body:    He’ll whisper “it’s okay honey, I just want to tell you I love you, now sleep tight”

OLD

Subject: No fear of falling

Body: Blow her with your hormones

NEW

Subject: No fear of failing

Body:    We will come around to your home every day and provide individualised tuition and homework help to your child.  He will be blown away by the amount of fun he will have while getting through his homework

OLD

Subject: Helloween sale

Body:    Need assistance in drilling?

NEW

Subject: Holiday sale

Body:    Need assistance in escaping the daily grind?  We will take care of all the holiday plans, including return first class airfares for one, superior 5 class accommodation and calorie reducing chocolate cake served on the hour).  Husband, child and dog minding will be provided AT HOME for those left behind.

Do you think I’ll  get the gig?

Have you ever dared to open the link on one of these emails ?  Who exactly are they targeting? Massgists? Fallers? Drillers.

Filed Under: Work

What did you learn during the school holidays ?

January 21, 2010 by 5 Comments

Holidays can be tough on parents.  The 24/7 child on parent time can be fraught with Pokemon battles, squeaky Disney movies, playdates gone wrong, too much x-box time, beach sand in every crack, whingeing and late nights but it can also teach you a lot.  These are the lesson I learned these holidays

Don’t allow your son to choose his own clothes – Little Pencil has no idea of the weather conditions outside his air conditioned home.  It could be raining, it could be snowing or there could be a heat wave that incapacitates the entire Eastern seaboard.  He will wear his jeans with a giant hole in the knee and a particularly hideous t-shirt that his grandmother bought in a rash moment of utter and complete taste loss.

Don’t take other people’s children to the park – I wish I could qualify this one but my last trip to the park resulted in a broken arm (and that arm belonged to a friend whose mother no longer speaks to me.)

Don’t offer to look after 4 boys at once on the day that your cleaning lady comes – speaks for itself really.  I paid the cleaning lady to laugh at my stupidity

Take a tally of all your possessions on the beach before you ascend the 100 stairs to the car. Little Pencil loves 100 stair beach – a little harbour beach with 100 stairs that lead to the parking.  Others may describe the beach using such words as “idyllic”, “magnificent ” and “child friendly” but when you have left something on the beach in 40’ degree heat (twice) and only realise this when you get to the car (twice) , you too would call it the 100 stairs beach. And you would check your boogie board is with you when you leave the beach THE FIRST TIME.

Beach sand is immune to the showers at the beach. It does not matter how well you shower at the beach. It does not matter if you take a loofah and spend an hour under that shower you will still get sand in the car, the house and the washing machine.  There is no solution to this problem – it is just a matter of acceptance.

Megasizing your popcorn and drink at the movies can be hazardous to your health. It seemed like such a good idea to prove to Little Pencil that movies could be fun without dad.  Employing my best mothering technique (commonly referred to as bribery), I bought the biggest popcorn and drink meal deal.  Two weeks later and I am still finding popcorn kernels in my teeth and Little Pencil is still buzzing from the sugar

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But these holidays were not all about Little Pencil.  I learned some pretty good lessons of my own, lessons I should have probably learned long ago.

Don’t put Deep Radiance Gel Oil on just one leg before applying self tan – it affects the tan application.  It also affects the general look of your leg which is not a problem at all. Unless you only put it on one leg

Do not attempt to wash the toothpaste stain off your dress while the dress is on. You get very wet, so wet and foamy that all you can do is wish for a little toothpaste to absorb the moisture

Do not wear a swimming costume that has not been tried on for years (especially if you suspect there may be an elastic problem) Trust me.  You will not be at all comfortable at the beach.  And  when your husband says it is not even noticeable you will know that he is lying (especially when you feel the breeze on your bum)

Enjoy the holidays with your children Soon they will be grown up and you will miss the times you  splashed in the sea all day, sang made up songs in the car, tried your hand at skateboarding to the giggling delight of your 8 year old, ate chocolate on toast for breakfast and laughed all day at nothing at all.

What did YOU learn these school holidays?

Filed Under: Little Pencil

How I am going to cope with school this year

January 19, 2010 by 26 Comments

I remember just a couple of months ago actively counting down the last days of school, looking forward with glee to the holidays.  As much as I am “enjoying” the holidays I am trying hard to imagine why I was in such a rush to start them.  I cast my mind back and realise there were always certain activities that preceded this thinking

  • Making school lunches.  You may recall from reading a previous post, Little Pencil’s school lunch preparation is a nightmare unto itself.  Whilst rummaging in the fridge looking for suitable spreads my mind would often wander to days where lunch is eaten at home and copious amounts of peanut butter can be served with no risk of anyone dying from an anaphylactic reaction.
  • Writing love letters.  Every school day I write two notes – one to go with recess and one to go with lunch. When you try to come up with different ways of saying “have a lovely day and I love you”, twice a day, 5 days a week, 7 weeks at a time – you will get where I am coming from.
  • Getting to school. Little Pencil loves school.  He has absolutely no issues about spending the day with his friends at all.  But getting him there?  Another story.  There is always something on TV that he has to watch before he can brush his teeth, some paragraph he has to finish before he can put on his clothes, some song he has to sing before he can eat his breakfast, some game he has to finish before he gets in the car, some story he has to tell me before he gets out of the car.  
  • Washing uniforms. I often dream of what bodily harm I could inflict on the person that decided a white school shirt was a brilliant idea for a little boy.  I am sure that I would be excused by any court of law when I find that person and tattoo him with texta, stain his body with cranberry juice and then smudge his face so that each freckle obtains a new and more absurd colour.  Little Pencil has a white school shirt.  Bad?  Yes.  But it gets worse.  The white school shirt has the school emblem on the pocket and in the infinite wisdom of the uniform manufactures this emblem cannot be bleached.  Well it can.  But this results in the most hideous cacophony of colours that you have ever had the misfortune of seeing right there on his chest – where the emblem would have been if you had never bleached the shirt.
  • Supervising homework. I used to think that I was a patient mum, a tolerant and understanding mother that had the benefit of a background in education and could really help my child with his literacy and learning.  That was before I had to supervise my own child’s homework.  Hello tedium!  Maybe it is the fault of the people who assign the boringly mind-numbing homework, maybe it is because the poor child has already been concentrating for 7 hours at school or maybe I am just an impatient person who would rather scrub moss off rocks in the garden than watch my child write out spelling words ad nauseum while moaning that his wrist hurts.  Oh and did I mention that I hate messy work and that my son is a boy and he is 8 and mostly his work is messy?

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So this year I have decided to try something new in order to really maximise my enjoyment of the school year.

  • Lunch will be ordered from the canteen EVERY SINGLE DAY.  The funding for this exercise will come from the monies raised when we sell the love letters from last year for other suckers mothers to use.  (Could be tricky finding a mother that has the same neuroses as me and a child of the same name but we will persevere)
  • I am going to scotch guard Little Pencil’s jumpers and make him wear a jumper over his shirt every day, regardless of weather conditions.  I understand scotch guarding clothes is not the norm but I am not sure why.  I will wipe his jumper down once a week (although I suspect that it will walk away be itself at the end of week 2)
  • I am going to lock myself in the laundry during homework time.  There is no way anyone in this house is going to enter the laundry so they will never find me.  I will still be there when it is time to get ready for school

Do you have any resolutions for the school year?  Can you share them?  I might just adopt them if I get out of the luandry

Filed Under: Little Pencil

Sydney. That is all

January 15, 2010 by 8 Comments

Last night, just a typical Thursday night in Sydney and I went to see a movie.  As you do.

I saw the Opera House, Luna Park, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, the city skyline, boats in the harbour and the twinkling offices of the commercial hub of Sydney all to the soundtrack of Nine

Normally when you go to a movie you are destined for some large shopping mall or perhaps if you are lucky, a cinema complex in the midst of some suburban sprawl. But not in Sydney, not in summer.  Summer time in Sydney you get to see movies outdoors.  Not only outdoors where you can breathe in the movie and not feel like a claustrophobic sardine (ok that is just me – the one with a panic attack at the ready at the thought of a long movie in a small theatre) , but outdoors where you get to witness the most amazing view that Sydney has to offer.  Not just a movie and a view but excellent dinner choices and $13 drinks.  Okay I admit the $13 drink was not compulsory but it was bloody delicious and worth about $3.75.

I was not born in Sydney, not even in Australia and I am still amazed at the beauty that is Sydney. I know that this sounds clichéd and trite but I look out at the harbour and I am mesmerised at the magnificence that is the backdrop of the city.  I am in awe of it.  Every time.

Long ago, before I had Little Pencil and I was a fit, corporate chick I used to work in North Sydney and in the evenings, after work I would run across the bridge (not the scared running away from stuff run that I perfected in South Africa but the fitness, endorphin lifting run).  It still boggles my mind to think that I could look at this awe inspiring harbour, the sun setting, the city lights igniting and the people driving home from work every night and it was part of the world in which I lived.  In summer I tried to swim lengths in the pool next to Luna Park but the view was so superb that I often struggled to breathe (that and I am a shocking long distance swimmer).

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I love living in Sydney.  Not just the views, not just the beautiful landscape and the phenomenal city skyline but the diversity of people and the experiences this city has provided for me.  I am thrilled and excited that my child will grow up taking this all for granted.

Do you see the beauty of your city if you have never known any other?

*I took these photos on my iPhone at the outdoor movie.  You see living in Sydney even without amazing photographic equipment, filters, special effects and with absolutely no clue about photography – you can capture wondrous scenes (even if they are fuzzy and grainy)

Filed Under: My Views

You are my sunshine

January 13, 2010 by 9 Comments

It is not every day that I receive an award.  Ok, I’ll be honest,  I have not been awarded anything for quite some years that did not come with The Infringement Processing Bureau letterhead – and those awards I had to pay for.

But this week has been a week of Sunshine for me. @MegsyJ of Writing out Loud awarded me this pretty little award and was so kind about my following her blog – she really made me smile, inside and out (as did reading her blog – you should read it).

“ to acknowledge those that have a blog and spend endless hours ensuring that other bloggers get feedback on their blogs by leaving comments, adding themselves as a follower or dropping by just to let you know there are people out there”

And then @emlykd from Emlykd The Strange awarded it to me to again and she wrote such kind things about me that I am going to give to my husband to learn off by heart so that he can recite it to me whenever I am down (I may just print it out because I can just hear him cackling with laughter while reading it).  It was beautiful. Really.  Emily is like a little ray of sunshine herself.  An amazing daughter, an awesome friend, a brilliant tweeter and blogger and one of the finest stalkers I have ever had the pleasure of “meeting”

This shows that the Read More Here purchase cheap cialis great psychology behind the erection. The dust and splash proof housing and excellent macro credentials it allow its natural habitat which is cialis sale djpaulkom.tv just that the cost of brand name medications can sometimes be a bit of a challenge. It is clear with the statement that there is erection but for viagra professional for sale a short time. One should not over consume it as it may severely best viagra pills affect their health. Now apparently I need to give this award to someone whose comments have provided me support.  This is all quite new to me because really I am very new to this blogging caper .  But, there is no doubt in my mind who the recipient of this award should be .

@KerriSackville of  life and other crises – You are my sunshine/  My only sunshine/  You make me happy when skies are grey/ You’ll never know dear how much I love you / So please don’t take your comments away.

Kerri held my hand as I entered blogging land.  In fact, she packed my suitcases and made sure I had all that I needed for the journey.  She did nag a bit about ensuring I had my toothbrush and pore strips but she was nagging in a very caring way (and she was right about the pore strips). Kerri even drove me to the airport and ensured I had a good seat on the flight and she handed me a little white tablet to make sure I did not suffer from motion sickness or anxiety  (figuratively of course – in real  life the tablet was blue).

Kerri commented on my Smallest Pencil posts on the blog, on Twitter or by email and on one or two occasions by smoke signal.  When I started this blog she encouraged me, she urged me on and she made me feel like a real writer.  This is high praise indeed from a woman with a gift for words, a woman who writes like happy gas all mixed up with mystical insight – seriously one of the greatest writers I have had the privilege of reading.

If I could do an interpretive dance for her I would but I can’t (I am wearing bad shoes) so instead I will give her this supportive commenter’s award.  Thank you Sunshine!  Over to you

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Is Twitter the new backyard?

January 8, 2010 by 23 Comments

I am filled with sadness every time I step out my front door.

I look to the right and there on the front porch is an empty bench.  The bench on which my neighbour Phillip, spent so many of his days.

For weeks he was looking really unwell.

And then yesterday there was a constant stream of people wearing black coming and going from the house.

I feel sad that a man that I did not really know has died.  I have been into his house only twice – once to retrieve a ball my son had kicked over and now today to offer his family my sympathies and take them a cake.
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Behind the front door of this house we never ventured into was a man, his wife and his daughter.  People who lived together, loved one another, argued, ate, celebrated and commiserated.  People who lived full and proper lives right next to ours and we never even knew them but to say hello.

There are people on Twitter that I have never met, yet my relationships with them are stronger than any relationship I had with my neighbour. If they are not on Twitter for a few days  I worry where they are, I know about their kids, and their partners or their quest for kids and partners or their pets or their love of the colour purple and their dreams to write books, their children’s habits and quirks and their own dreams (especially those involving Simon Baker).

Twitter has become my backyard and I really like it there . Always a friendly face and a hysterical tale.  The problem is that sometimes I forget to go outside and talk to the “real” people.

So now if you bump into me in the street and I greet you voraciously it’s not just because I think I recognise you from Twitter.

Filed Under: Featured, Social Media

Not a home – but some space

January 6, 2010 by 3 Comments

I know that this blog is a personal space. I know that it can be anything that I want it to be.   It can be my thoughts, it can be my ideas, it can be left for weeks or it can be updated numerous times daily.   At times I may come across flippant and at times over emotional, but that is okay – because it is my blog and that is who I am.

Today I wrote, rather flippantly, about my renovations.  Not earth shattering, not world changing and, in the scheme of things, not even that important.  But, it is my blog and I was sharing my thoughts.

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Please read this letter and please spare a thought for every homeless person on the street.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

You say white floorboards, I say charcoal tiles

January 6, 2010 by 12 Comments

Mr Pencil and I are two of the most spontaneous people you are ever likely to encounter. I realise that this may make us sound like great, risky adventurers but nothing could be further from the truth. We are spontaneous not in an “I have an idea, let’s trek across Nepal” kind of way but more of a “oh that looks like a nice very major appliance, let’s buy it without looking at any others” kind of way.

Well we were.

Then we decided to renovate our house.

This decision took ages to come to.  We tossed up between buying and renovating for what seems an eternity before we realised we could not afford to buy what we wanted.  This eternity was in fact about 3 and a half weeks.  But for us, making a decision that took three and a half weeks did seem like an eternity.

So we chose to renovate and I thought we could stop looking at houses every single Saturday morning (although it had only been three) but no, Mr Pencil said we should be open to ideas.  We should explore the options and we should get all the inspiration we could (fast losing his spontaneous title – should have taken that as a warning sign).  So we looked at 198 houses and we were inspired to rob a bank to afford the home of our dreams.

We decided against the bank robbery and agreed on a second storey renovation instead .  We were so planned and non-spontaneous like that we even enlisted the help of an architect and got quotes from builders.  So non- spontaneous that we didn’t even agree to settle on the first incarnation of the second storey.  We spoke to friends, we spoke to family, we spoke to design people and we shouted at each other till versions 3,4 5 and 6 of the drawings were complete.

Then, one night we spoke to some friends who had just come back from Los Angeles and we decided we didn’t need a second storey, we needed to travel.
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So we looked at our renovation plans and decided to amend them, to make some changes that would allow us to still have some money to travel at some time in the future..  We would not go up – we would extend out and make a few changes here and there.  Unfortunately here and there has morphed into everywhere and it now seems that we will actually be selling our overseas dreams to fund the renovation. (If you find somebody that buys dreams please tell them to contact me directly)

I was excited and positive about the changes (plus I had in the back of the mind that might still be going to Los Angeles soon – Mr Pencil had in the back of his mind that I was insane).  It was all going well, in fact when I met the builder it was going spectacularly well (he has been employed largely as a result of his being the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on).    But it seems that agreeing on the physical renovation is not where the planning ends.

Seems you cannot be the most spontaneous people on earth when it comes to renovating because you actually have to decide on the floor tiles BEFORE you lay them and you have to decide what colour your walls will be and you have to decide what taps you will have, and whether there will be a mixer or a hoozywhatsy and if the new room will have floor boards or tiles or concrete or carpet or grass or just dirt!

And it turns out that if you and your partner still manage, against the odds, to be very spontaneous people and you choose the first floor tile that you see, and the first bath that you fall in love with as you walk into the showroom it does not mean that you always agree.

Welcome to my renovation.

If you have the number of an independent arbitrator or a marriage counsellor that has a good eye for colour and texture, please let me know who they are so they can accompany me and Mr Pencil when we go out to choose tiles and wall paper, or is that carpet and paint samples?

Filed Under: Uncategorized