I know that this may be a highly controversial post but I don’t believe it is my writing or my reasoning that will cause the controversy – I think it will be the assenting comments.
I doubt I am alone when I say I don’t enjoy cricket. Yup I said it and my Australian passport did not spontaneously combust. And my South African family have not disowned me.
- I hate that cricket and wicket rhyme. What other sport needs a rhyme to remind you what you need to do? Have you ever heard of a wennis, or a wootball? No ? I thought not.
- I hate that my husband will not look up from the TV for 5 days although to me it looks like he is just watching the grass grow. I only know that’s not what he’s doing because occasionally he swears out loud or claps jubilantly. I am quite sure new shoots of grass would not elicit that response
- I hate that my entire Saturday morning is spent watching the grass grow live! And yes I am watching the grass grow because, although I love to watch my son play sport, I do not understand the game very well. For instance yesterday morning I heard them all clapping and cheering his name. I looked up at the field and there was lot of backslapping and hoisting of Little Pencil. I thought it was because he is so sweet – but apparently it was because he took a wicket (not to be confused with a woccer which you don’t score at soccer)*
- I hate that as the chief of washing clothes in this house* I have to wash a white cricket uniform. Why on earth would they put boys who skid all over the grass while chasing a red ball, in a white pair of pants?
- I hate that I try to escape the cricket in the house only to be accosted by it on Twitter. And worse it is not just dull people wearing beige, cream, off white, ivory and white that are tweeting about the cricket – it is actual people in colour. That I like.
- I hate that I can’t listen to the radio that I like because I don’t have a digital radio and Richard Glover and James Valentine are regularly replaced by ridiculously boring cricket commentary on analogue radio. It is one thing to watch the grass grow – but to listen to it on the radio? That just makes absolutely no sense
- I really don’t like a game that does not clearly define who is winning and who is losing right from the beginning. I need to know this in order to have any sense of engagement with the game. Every time I ask my husband who is winning a match he looks at me as if I am a little slow. I think that is ridiculous considering he can usually only answer my question at the end of the day or sometimes even worse, , five days later
- I think that a game that has a “tea break” is just poncy
- It takes sooo long. No-one ever said “let’s play a quick game of cricket” with a straight face
- There are positions in the cricket game like “third man” and “silly mid off”. I think that speaks for itself
- I was once bitten by cricket. I loved Hansie Cronje, the late great South African cricketer. I stayed up all night watching him cheat while my husband went to sleep! It turns out that “the devil made him do it**. Or at least that is what he says. And maybe that explains it all
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So do you love cricket? Do you even understand it? Will you explain it more patiently than my husband did?
*see first point
** the devil made Hansie cheat but it also made my husband go to sleep in the middle of a match