Archives for December 2010

My New Year’s resolutions this year are brought to me by glandular fever which is a terrible pity because so far the things that glandular fever have brought me are not very pleasant at all.  Unless you consider feeling like you exist in honey with a brain made of cotton wool to be pleasant.

In fact I am still coming to terms with the fact that I actually have an identifiable disease because I believe I am the world’s healthiest person, I just feel like shit.

I keep going for blood tests, and the doctor tries to insist that I have all sorts of pathological issues.   And not the ones that you read about in psychology textbooks. Although a different doctor…, nah forget it

I tried changing doctor and even that didn’t work – the new doctor said the same thing.  It’s a conspiracy.  And so, according to the world of medicine,  I have glandular fever.

Unfortunately I am not a very good glandular fever patient because apparently the best thing to do for this badly named* virus is to rest.  And I don’t know how to rest.  Seriously I find it nigh on impossible to relax when there is always so much to do, even if I am too tired to do it.

But my husband keeps forcing me to go to bed (and it is entirely different from the type of forcing me to go to bed that he does when I am well) and worse than that he keeps on suggesting things that I should do things differently.

So, in honour of Mr Pencil I have come up with some new year’s resolutions

• I will go to bed at 10pm every night.  I wont actually be able to start this one straight away because if I go to sleep during our New Year’s Eve party I will be mocked forever more (not to mention very uncomfortable).  I also wont be able to do this one anytime ever because I have way too much to do after 10pm
• I will not spend so much time on the computer. Rather I will sit on a chair and only my fingers will be on the computer keyboard
• I will eat a healthier diet.  I will do this one.  In between eating chocolates and pure icing sugar (my current weak spot) I will eat very healthy food
• I will not complain about my weight. Instead I will complain about how fat I feel…er wait.
• I will not waste money on clothes that I never wear. I will wear all the clothes that I buy, how else will I see that I made a huge mistake when I bought them?
• I will not play the same 17 songs over and over again on my iPod. I will download 17 new songs to play aloud and I will listen to the 17 I love when Mr Pencil is not home
• I will drive a lot slower and try not to get any more traffic fines. I will try.  Really I will
• I will look after my health. No more blood tests for me

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What are your new year’s resolutions and what made you decide on them?

*I believe a better, and more descriptive name for Glandular Fever is Zombie Fog.

I am not trying to be The Grinch and I am not out to insult Christmas shoppers. In fact, I’m trying to help them because even though I don’t celebrate Christmas I do have occasion to go to the shops in December. And I think Christmas shoppers need a little, er guidance so that I can be a lot um, quicker.

I spend quite a lot of time at the shops  because I buy Christmas presents for every adult that comes into contact with Little Pencil during the year  (but that is a post for another day). But, because my fellow shoppers seem to have no idea what they are doing, I am forced to spend a lot more time at the shop then I am entirely comfortable with

And so I have compiled a list of Christmas shopping guidelines to help out all the Christmas shoppers.  Here you go:

• Shop online
• Do not stand and examine your purchases at the bottom of the escalator. Examine them in the shop, preferably before you buy them and definitely before you get them gift wrapped
• Do not try and span your family and friends across the entire walking path. I am not suggesting that you walk in single file. Wait.  Actually I am.
• Do not sing along to the carols.  It irritates the people around you and makes you seem slightly insane
• Do not give your   parcels their own seats in the coffee shop. Just don’t.  Such a close relationship with something that you are going to give away is not good for you
• Do not make a big production about the colour ribbon the assistant chooses to use on the gift you are giving away.  Remember – you are giving it away. And you don’t get to keep the ribbon.
• Do not attempt to pay for your Christmas gifts with the coins from your children’s piggy banks (unless you have counted out the money at home and placed it in bank bags in handy denominations).  Even if they are buying the present for their sibling or for you – help them out with real money
• Do not write your Christmas cards at the counter where you are paying. Ever.  Even if it is a birthday card
• If you are going to buy a whole lot of gift vouchers in varying denominations for an array of different people – bring a clear list that you have prepared at home. And stick to it
• Remember that the shop assistants do not know what your uncle wants.  It is likely that they have never met your uncle
• Shop in November. Early November

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Any rules that you can add?  Any hideous shopping experiences that you want to unload?