Archives for July 2013

I am always a bit astounded by the comments that appear online as soon as the smacking debate makes the news again. Granted there are other times that the comments astound (and horrify) me but the smacking issue seems to bring out a lot of defiance and plenty of room for discussion.

Today’s news is reporting that a leading group of New Zealand and Australian doctors from the Royal Australasian College of Physicians are pushing to make smacking children a criminal offence.

Daily Life reports

“The Royal Australasian College of Physicians will call for a legal amendment to give children the same protection from assault as others in the community.

The president of the college’s paediatrics and child health division, Susan Moloney, said physical punishment could escalate to abuse. ”We know that a significant number of child homicides are a result of physical punishment which went wrong,” she said.

Research shows it can lead to depression, anxiety, aggression, antisocial behaviour and substance abuse. In Australia it is legal for parents to use corporal punishment on children as long as it is ”reasonable”.”

Personally I found it interesting (and eye opening) that research shows teenagers who have been smacked as young kids experience more social problems in high school. It is also telling that research shows that a child who experiences physical punishment is more likely to develop increased aggressive behaviour and mental health problems as an adult.
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And I know that there is a difference between smacking and abuse. But I can’t deny that smacking is physical punishment.

But back to the commenters and my own little bit of unsubstantiated evidence based research.  From a brief scan of comment is seems that the majority of people who are in favour of smacking are very defensive about it. Bordering on angry. Unlike many of the people who prefer the idea of using other forms of discipline, who seem more balanced in the expression of their thoughts.  There are also a lot of men who are in favour of smacking. A lot. I would guess proportionally much higher than the amount of men who are full time carers and in the coalface of the “a little smack on the hand when your toddler is about to get run over after having run into the middle of the road” type scenario which you hear ALL THE TIME.

The repeated mantra of “I was smacked as a child and I am perfectly okay” seems to support the research that people who are smacked as children are more likely to  smack their own kids.  Does it also mean they are more likely to experience mental health problems like depression or anxiety,  to display aggressive or antisocial behaviour, have substance abuse problems and abuse their own children or spouse?  I’m not sure.

But I am sure that being a parent is a privilege not a right and and their are certain duties that come with that privilege,  like taking care of your child’s physical, emotional and mental needs. You can’t blame your parents, your situation, your addiction or your hideous childhood and abusive spouse. You have to be the best parent you can be – not the same parent as your parents were.

And after reading the comments I have seen in the media today,  I still wouldn’t smack my child.

Are you a smacker? Do you think I have stereotyped you unjustly? Where do you stand on the smacking divide?

Yesterday I read that Snooki had written a letter to Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge to give her a bit of parenting advice. Snooki is a reality television personality best known for being a cast member of Jersey Shore. She is also a new mother and she can (sort of) write so why shouldn’t she be one of the many thousands that are going to shower advice on to the expectant Duchess?

It’s a centuries old tradition that experienced mothers pass down advice to new mums.  If you have a child, you’ve heard it all before. Chances are you’ve passed on your own advice to new mothers.  It’s done with every good intention kind of like Snooki writing a letter to The Duchess of Cambridge.  And me telling Kate what I have learned, because if I had the chance to talk to here this is what I’d say:

Don’t get stuck on what the books say. Your baby doesn’t read and humans don’t actually come with manuals.  All the books that are written about babies were written long after babies came along.

Don’t compare your baby to any other baby but especially not to the baby in the book (just in case you failed to take heed of my first point).
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Feed your baby whatever makes you happiest.  If you ever waiver about this one look around the table when the extended family and a few select dignitaries get together for a cucumber sandwich and a cup of tea and try and pick out the ones that were bottle fed and the ones that were breast fed. You won’t be able to.

I’m not sure about palace sleeping arrangements (although I have no idea why I remember the fact that you are actually living in an “apartment”) but if you want to sleep with your baby – do it. I am quite sure your alcohol consumption is low enough to ensure that this is perfectly safe. I don’t think there has been any valid scientific study that says you can spoil a baby with love. Conversely if you have help and you want the baby to sleep in another wing – go for it. Your baby will eventually sleep  – how he or she learns is irrelevant (go back to the dinner table scenario if you will – you wont be able to tell the adults that were left to cry or those that were comforted to sleep). As long as YOU are comfortable with what you’re doing it’s right for your baby.

When you look back in 5 or 10  or any years time that one horrendous feed isn’t going to make a difference, nor that one story you didn’t feel like reading, nor that sleepless night, nor that pre-packaged, preservative filled meal you fed your baby. Try let go of your guilt, it’s the worst part of being a mother

That said, enjoy what you can because when you do look back you will never regret the time you spent with your child. You might regret missing the opening of a castle or regret the fact that you said you’d officiate at the launch of an old aged home, you might regret that you never ate that red velvet cupcake with the cream cheese icing while the royal bodyguards had their backs turned but you will never regret time that you spend with your child

Whether you are the future Queen of England, a reality TV star or a mum in the suburbs it doesn’t change a thing – having a baby will change your life in the most profound, meaningful and beautiful way possible. And if you love your baby then whatever else you do is right.