Archives for September 2014

My to do list is now a blog post. Fancy huh

September 29, 2014 by 4 Comments

breathe

I have got so much on my mind and so much on my to do list that there is no way I could write a sensible blog post – shhh don’t tell the people at Kidspot where I am writing posts every day.

But I have been busy, I have been working A LOT and I haven’t been breathing a lot – well I’ve been breathing but that shallow shitty stuff that makes you feel panicky rather than oxygenated. I thought I’d better write down everything that I have to do so that I can see how manageable it is. I am yet to be convinced but it’s worth a shot

So without further ado – my to do list, offered in no particular order

  • Shave legs (probably need to buy a weed eater)
  • Stop obsessing over ISIS
  • Make plans to live in an underground community of puppies where the outside world can’t get to me
  • Remember that I am a diabetic. This involves not eating cake for breakfast and chocolate after (or for) dinner
  • Buy a laundry basket and a bucket
  • Pick up shirts that have been at the laundry so long they’ve probably yellowed with age
  • Replace scatter cushions that 9-year-old dog has eaten because he thinks he’s still a puppy
  • Find way to stop dog eating new cushions that doesn’t involve shouting at dog or saying no (unless I add “learn to say no” to the list)
  • Reply to all the emails that have been marked for reply for the last few weeks
  • Update sons very hectic social calendar so that I feel like I am in control of something that feels sociable without having to actually talk to people.
  • Try to leave horizontal position on bed
  • Put a diary reminder in for every day for the next 25 years reminding me not to have 35 people over for dinner one week after I’ve moved into a new house
  • Phone the doctor and admit I’ve lost my scripts and blood test request form even though they were meant to be filled at the beginning if the month
  • Clear a space in the car so that I can get in. Probably also a good time to unpack the stuff in the car because I can’t use the “I’m in the midst of moving” excuse anymore
  • Find a BB cream that actually does what it says. Even if it is actually a CC cream – in fact find out the difference between BB and CC creams.
  • Develop patience
  • Replace Rescue Remedy that I’ve been drinking like water
  • Stop reading the news
  • Buy groceries and try remember how to prepare edible dinners for the family
  • Complain to carpet people about the “things” that they put at the end of the carpets that look like they have been battered by hail
  • Find out where my curtains are without running the relationship I have fostered with the curtain maker
  • Breathe. Need to write that one because I keep forgetting.

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What is on your To Do list?

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Featured

Sorry I’m moving into such a beautiful house #notsorry

September 17, 2014 by 30 Comments

I suffer (and I use the term very ironically) from white man’s guilt. I was born lucky – white and Jewish in Johannesburg, South Africa with the many trappings of middle class luxury which that brings. I started to feel the guilt pretty much at the same time I was old enough to spell it and it’s never left me since.

I realise every single day how lucky I am to be born where I was and who I was, I know that my innate being has nothing to do with my winning the lottery at birth. Some people are born on rubbish dumps in third world countries, some into hideously abusive situations, others into remote parts of the world with no access to clean water let alone education and the promise of a bright future. I know that underneath it all these people are no different to me – I just got lucky. It’s hardly a huge burden to bear but it weighs on me.

It doesn’t preclude me from hard times and hideous situations and if I was a braver blogger you would know that I had been through those.

But still it weighs on me that I have so much when others have so little.

My husband works hard, so do I. So do people in coal mines and supermarket check outs and thousands of other jobs, but we earn more than them because we were born lucky – we got the education, we got the support and the breaks and the opportunities because of where we were born and who we were born to.

I don’t need to justify myself by telling you which charities we support and how generous we might be because that doesn’t really justify why some people suffer and others don’t.
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This is weighing heavily on my mind as we prepare to move into our big and fancy house. Today I had lunch with my friend Kerri, I told her how bad I felt about moving into such a magnificent house while people were starving. She was kind and reassuring and told me not to deny myself my own happiness. She’s my friend, she knows how much I stress. She said some really wise words which I forgot because I obsessed instead on the negative – the message on my Facebook page from someone who has never met me.

You see, I came home to look at my Facebook page where I had posted a picture of the new house with no intention at all – I was just excited and happy about the move and, as a blogger, I share much of my life with an audience (although clearly not all of it ) . Someone had written something quite nasty referencing my first world problem (do you know how hard it is to choose an exterior paint colour? *tongue firmly in cheek*) so I answered with a smile and came back hours later to see that she had not smiled back. In fact she had lashed out telling me how I had “pretended to be regular but clearly I wasn’t because I was showing off my “luxe” house. There was more to it but her message is now gone so I cannot quote it directly.

I wonder if she realises that the size or colour of my house does not change the person that I am, that where I live or how I live doesn’t make me a better or worse person.

I’m still just me wherever I live and that me is very lucky (and well aware of it).

new house

Filed Under: Featured

6 things to be very happy about

September 14, 2014 by 3 Comments

6 thingsI realise I have been a little negative lately when talking about my renovation and my temporary homelessness. It’s a bit nauseating considering I am about to move into a beautiful home and most people in the world would wish for “problems” like mine.  But anxiety is a terrible affliction and it doesn’t allow you to choose when and where you should feel like you are falling apart.

In an attempt to counteract my negativity and try and quash my anxiety I’ve decided to focus on the positive – and there’s a lot of it.

  1. We are staying at my sister’s house for another 4 nights (we have been here for 7 already). She and her family have been amazing and kind and generous and it feels a little bit like a holiday at times. Mr Pencil and I are living in her granny flat complete with our own fridge, TV and ensuite.  Little Pencil has his own room in the “big” house, it’s like Southfork (for anyone as old as me that remembers Dallas).  Spending time just being with all of them is just as it should be – it feels very right.
  2. Little Pencil is only marginally happier than Fluffy Pencil to be surrounded by cousins and an amazing aunt and uncle. I fear Fluffy Pencil has found new favourite people and none of them are from the immediate Pencil family. He has always loved my sister and her family but living with them has taken that up another notch or two him. He has not been alone once this week. He is possibly the happiest he has ever been and if he could talk it would be to ask if he could stay here when we move out
  3. Mr Pencil seems way less stressed living in this house, it may or may not be that he and my brother-in-law have been known to indulge in a post work drink or two together. Either way they get on really well and it’s like living with a  friend – except ones that get called out a lot (being a doctor on call is shit – I have realised that).
  4. I have not cooked a meal in forever.

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  5. I am about to move into a simply stunning home.
  6. I am truly and absolutely blessed to have a sister who did not hesitate to take us all in with such grace and generosity even if she is highly allergic to dogs and Fluffy Pencil licks her feet as she attempts to eat dinner. It’s hard to take in 3 houseguests and a dog but every single member of her family have been amazing – even when I have been grinding my teeth with anxiety.

Phew, that feels better

What’s making you feel happy today?

 

Filed Under: Featured, renovation

Putting my stresses in little boxes

September 11, 2014 by 6 Comments

Tonight when I barked at my husband for the second time in an hour he sent me this text

little boxes

I realised, when I sent a  tweet saying “I am so tense I am almost choking on tooth powder created from grinding my own teeth”, that he was right. I needed little boxes. Mostly I need the boxes whinge about my day – so here goes

I woke up at 2am. Not the normal waking-up-to-do-a-wee-at-2am-because-I-drank-a-bottle-of-water kind of wake up. But a proper full on I-am-awake wake-up.  I am living in my sister’s house because MY HOUSE IS STILL NOT READY so going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea wasn’t really on. Nor was switching on the light or howling loudly in frustration. So I played on my phone till 4 am, at which stage I fell into the deepest sleep possible making me very angry when my alarm went off at 5:30am.

At 7am my son informed me that I had forgotten to get him cups for his school project. Yes, apparently it was my job to remember and shop for his assignment (which I will need to tell you about in another blog post). So, being the ever-dutiful mother I went to Coles at 7:15 am.

At 7:45 his friend rang the door bell to come and collect him – that little piece of information telling me his friend was coming over had never made its way to me so clearly he wasn’t ready and I had to shuffle the friend, his mum and their dog out of the house because my sister’s family were still asleep.

At 8:10 Little Pencil realised he was going to be late for school so begged me to take him there although my sister lives so close to the school that getting in the car actually takes more time than walking to the school but he was stressed and so I took him. We got there 15 seconds later and he realised he had left all the stuff I had schlepped to get from Coles at the crack of dawn.  I went back to the school.

I tried to do some work. I was probably tetchy and painful and then I wrote a post that included pictures of Little Pencil as a newborn and I cried most of the morning.  Read the post here

At lunch time I had to meet my brother-in-law to take him shopping. Committed readers will know brother-in-law Pencil suffers from schizophrenia so the shopping journey is sometimes a little fraught… not going to say anymore about that. But, when I took him home there was a truck parked outside his place blocking the road. The back door swung open and there were rows and rows of dead pigs hanging on hooks. Picture how you would react if you saw dead people hanging on hooks in the back of a track – that’s how I react to seeing dead animals.
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The truck blocked my way and the driver was aggressive and hideous, as you would be if you drove dead pigs around for a living, and I had to shout at him with my aggressive South African accent to get into his truck and move. No one feels better after shouting at someone. #truestory  I can still see those pigs hanging in the back of the truck. And it fills one of my boxes of anger with deep sadness.

After dropping off my brother-in-law who had told me a lot of stuff that I couldn’t even pretend to understand, I rushed off to the new house to try and do a load of laundry because we are living out of bags and everything is dirty. I have no idea how to use the ridiculously fancy washing machine (which came with the house)  so I pushed a few buttons and hoped for the best. Apparently hoping for the best does not come with a time frame so I had to leave while the washing was still happening.

Went back to my sister’s house, fought with Little Pencil about homework, gave my sister a lift to the city, raced back home to nag Little Pencil to get ready for Tae Kwondo only to realise that his Tae Kwondo uniform was at the new house. Got around the block on the way to get said uniform when Little Pencil realised he had not sent his homework to his dad to print (have I mentioned that we are not living in any form of order?)  We drove back home and then started again.

When we got to the new house I went to retrieve the washing from the machine feeling rather smug that I had got it all done when I opened the door of the machine to the realisation that I had washed my brand new very dark jeans with everything else including Little Pencil’s blue school shirt. Only problem is that the blue school shirt was white when it got thrown into the machine.

Dropped Little Pencil at Tae Kwondo and got bitten by a mosquito IN MY OWN CAR but I soldiered on and raced home to get some work done.

Mr Pencil came home after picking up Little Pencil at 7:30 and suggested we go get some dinner because I had forgotten about that little detail. He sent Little Pencil to shower and change and that’s when I remembered that I had taken ALL of Little Pencil’s clothes to the new house. All of them. Including his pyjamas,

Look it doesn’t get much better after that but I can’t complain much more because I am exhausted and stressed about not having a proper home and I am in terrible pain from gnawing on my own teeth. Tomorrow is another day.

PS I just spotted a cockroach near my bed.

Filed Under: Featured, My Life

Oh dear retail sector – the signs are all just wrong

September 9, 2014 by 28 Comments

I have solved Australia’s retail issues – okay I haven’t actually solved them but I have been able to pinpoint them which is very excellent news for everyone I am sure. Who needs economists and analysts when you have a woman with a credit card and a mobile phone with camera?

Sadly I am pointing my finger straight at the doors of the big department stores, and today at Myer in particular because that is where me and my camera were feeling duped yesterday.

The Sale

Like most shoppers I love a bargain, so obviously I was drawn straight to a jacket that had such a HUGE reduction

sale price

Seriously. Could you resist?

The Fitting Room

This little note appears in the change room (which coincidentally has the most unflattering or realistic) mirrors in the world.

fitting room

I really wanted to leave a note saying “Thank you for not employing any staff to help me” but I didn’t want to be too passive aggressive (so I wrote a blog post instead – I know, I know).

The catalogue

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catalogue

 

I did not take a photo of the many empty cashier desks or the vast empty spaces where customers and employees should have been because, as you can see I am a very bad photographer. As it turns out I also feel quite peculiar taking photos of shops.

I just wonder how people in business are scratching their heads about the state of retail when retailers are treating their customers like this.

Are you a department store shopper?

 

Filed Under: Featured, My Views

Homeless

September 7, 2014 by 5 Comments

There are certain everyday rituals that I cling to – for an anxious neurotic like me they make me feel grounded and safe. They are my comforts, my constants, my luxuries and without them I am er, less comfortable, more anxious and way more unhinged.

I love closing the curtains at the end of the day. The actual act of closing out the day makes me feel cocooned and safe, it signifies the hurry and stress of the day is over and the family are about to be together at home, shoes off and relaxed. The reality is often different because of stupid things like homework and dinner and you know, reality. But somehow I still take comfort in the closing of the day.

Next on my list is a bath – a bath for me is like immersing myself in heaven except I don’t actually believe in heaven but it’s the closest analogy I can think of. I bloody love a bath – it ‘s warm, quiet and provides an ideal reading space.

The last ritual that I must perform at least three time as day is drinking tea. Drinking tea is like the portable version of having a bath except nothing like having a bath at all because the only thing the two things have in common is being warm and liquid.

As you can tell from my creature comforts – I am a home based kind of girl. I love nothing more than being at home with my people and dog around me, if the people are out I am equally happy just being at home with the dog. The only thing better than going home is actually being at home. But for the past 4 weeks I have been homeless.

Our beautiful “old” house is now in the possession of its new owners and although although I keep expecting them to call and say thank you to us for letting them buy the most beautiful home, I think my connection with that house has truly come to its end. The new house, which was going to have a small renovation but is basically being rebuilt because Mr Pencil is a frustrated architect/builder/designer/spender of huge amounts of money and kept changing all the things, was not ready for us to move into and so we came to this temporary accommodation in the home of a beautiful friend.

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This house is not my home and although I am so deeply grateful to my friend for letting me stay here while we were homeless it is someone else’s home – with someone else’s furniture and plates and cutlery and everything – except a kettle.

Today we went to check out the new house which is meant to be habitable (although not finished) by Tuesday when the person whose house we are staying in comes home, It wont be ready. It is still a building zone. And worse – the woman who owns the house we are staying in is actually coming home two days earlier than I thought she was .

Tomorrow we are homeless again. There is no way we can move into the new house until Tuesday at the very earliest – although our stuff is only coming out of storage the following Thursday. First World Problems

Pass me all the valium. And a stiff drink. For someone whose calm comes mainly from being at home these are the worst of days for me. But they too shall pass.

Thank God for my sister. Three human pencils, one fluffy pencil all descending on my sister’s family for two nights.

Filed Under: Featured, renovation

It’s (hopefully) not the end of the world

September 2, 2014 by 22 Comments

My husband has a very difficult job, It’s unrelenting, it’s almost impossible to get it right and it pays nothing. Of course I’m not talking about the billion hours he spends in the office , that’s a breeze compared to the job he has to do of trying to calm my anxiety.

Ever since I met Mr Pencil, and way before that I have been a frightened person. I am scared of most things but my one big fear has always been the very rational fear of the end of the world.  Not the end of “my” world as every psychologist in Johannesburg and the Eastern suburbs of Sydney has tried to convince me, but the REAL end of the world (and yes I know the psychologists are probably right and it’s all analogous and metaphorical and shit but it’s my fear and I am describing it my way).
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Filed Under: Current Affairs, Featured