When does motherhood end?

motherhood never ends

Yesterday a friend sent me a copy of Jane Caro’s article in the Sydney Morning Herald, an edited extract from Between Us: Women of Letters, edited by Marieke Hardy and Michaela McGuire. I can only assume that this extract was chosen because it’s a little controversial and it would get people talking. Well at least I hope so, in fact I hope it’s controversial at all and not just to me (although I doubt it because my friend emailed me with just one sentencing saying “I’m glad she’s not my mum”)

Caro says in an article aptly entitled, Jane Caro on why she is irritated by the young

No doubt my jaundiced view reflects my recent escape from the gilded prison that is mothering. I love my daughters. I find them endlessly fascinating. (I suspect, however, that to those who did not bear them, they hold less interest. I still often have to feign attention when others talk about their children. I do so, of course, so I can then talk about mine while they pretend to be interested.) But I have been a mother for 26 years. Mothering is something I am proud to have done, but I am over it. My daughters are decent, independent, contributing members of society but, whatever happens, I claim neither credit nor accept any blame. It’s their life now. If they need me, I will help them, but I quietly hope they won’t need me very often.

Before I go on let me make it clear, I am not judging Jane Caro’s brand of motherhood I am just commenting on how diametrically opposed my own idea of motherhood is to hers. In fact in lots of ways I have heard Jane speak on parenting you could say that we don’t agree on much but that doesn’t make her a better or worse mother than me (although I am quite sure she would not want herself being defined by her parenting skills in any way shape or form).
To me motherhood doesn’t end. Of course it changes as the needs of your child change but it doesn’t just go away. You don’t stop being a mother because your children hit a certain age.
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I am perplexed by the idea of motherhood being something you have to get through or some part of your journey that has a limited shelf life and you can just neatly pack away when your children turn 18. For most of us motherhood is a choice and one which we should make with our eyes open – yes, being a mother does mean a lot is going to change in your life – work is going to be harder, your social life is going to look different and even your body is going to change. It’s part of becoming a parent – you sort of mould with the arrival of your child and you continue to evolve and change shape as your children grow up and their needs change – because they are dependent on you for a while. It’s a given – you should possibly know that before you have children.

To say that our children are just one part of our lives is true and correct but they are a major part. A huge part, an intensely important part that we can’t just choose to ignore or not pay attention to because they are kids. And when they grow up they are still our children, albeit older. I would no more dismiss my own sisters or parents as having outgrown their “usefulness” than lose interest in being part of my child’s life because he is an adult. We are family. We stick together.

I consider being a mother to be a blessing rather than a chore but some days it is hideously hard. Some days it’s suffocating and it’s claustrophobic and minutes seem like hours and hours seem like years. But I chose it, I am the one who fought to conceive and carry a pregnancy through, I am the one who gets the joy and the love, the happiness and the pride and sometimes I get the drudgery and the tedium. But I wouldn’t have it any other way and I can’t see this love I feel expiring at a certain date in the future.

What do you think? Do you still need your mum? Can you imagine not being around for your own children?

Comments

  1. Kat Caravella - Mamma's Vida says

    Jane Caro has some unusual views on parenting and yes, unfortunately, I am judging. She recently had a go at Nathalie from Easy Peasy Kids for her tips on managing child behaviour, saying something to the effect of ‘trying to manage your kids bad behaviour is hindering their creativity and them behaving well is more about the parent not the child’.

    So here is she is – saying she’s over being a parent, while she scolds others for trying to make parenting easier for themselves and the child.

    Being a parent NEVER ENDS. For as long as I’m my children’s Mother I will be there for them – in every way possible. I will never, ever be over it – it is a LIFE CHOICE, not a choice with an expiry date.

  2. Lana, you may not wish to judge Jane Caro but I will. I find her views on most subjects a tad “know-it-all-ish”. This is just another one of those occasions. You are a parent for life. End of story.

  3. Lana, I actually agree with you entirely. I was thinking only yesterday how my children are SUCH a big part of my life that I wonder how life will be when they’re grown and out of my sight for days on end. I feel like that now I know them, and how much of my world is occupied by them I can’t see how it can be other, though I suspect it will be one day. I do find it claustrophobic some days and just want some breathing room but I truly think it’s a blessing to have these crazy little men to travel my path with. I like that Jane has a view that’s different to mine, as I’m sure others do too but it’s not the way I feel or live my parenting life. Also, and I didn’t know that she’d had a go at the awesome Nathalie from Easy Peasy Kids but there’s no one whose opinion on parenting I value more than hers. She helped me sort through how I parent more than anyone I know. x

    • I think Jane fundamentally misunderstood the nature of Nat’s work from her tagline ‘less tantrums, more smiles’. For those of us who are familiar with Nat and her amazing work we know that in no way is her work about censoring children, but that was Jane’s impression from that one line. Instead of doing the right thing, admitting she was wrong and apologising, her position remained entirely rigid to the point of being deliberately obtuse and just plain rude.

      I think it’s unfortunate that saving face seems to be so much more important in these online disagreements than doing the right thing.

      • The worst thing about Jane’s comments about Nath on twitter that time was that she didn’t fundamentally misunderstand anything. She’d previously interviewed Nath about her work so she knew exactly what Nath was all about.

        I am to this day completely mystified that she saw fit to bag Nath’s tagline in the way she did (as in so publicly and dismissively). Jane’s well within her rights to think a better tagline could do the job … but the way she chose to communicate her thoughts that day … well it made it very hard for me to give her the benefit of any doubt.

    • Personally I think Nat should be President of Children – she’s awesome! xx

  4. Erm, sorry for second comment but whatsoever made my profile above say, “Catto” has me slightly disturbed. 🙂

  5. lawsforclouds says

    I agree with Jane and Lana. I think I will always be a parent and the role never ends. But I see my own mother embracing her independence, and I look forward to that time too.

    The part that Jane is possibly leaving out is that her kids probably don’t want her involved at this stage.

    • I am sure the involvement ends at some level but I cannot imagine the day where I am completely uninvolved at some level. If he needs me – I am there. I think Jane just sees motherhood and career completely differently from me, I never wanted a big career, I always wanted to be a mum

  6. Agreed – motherhood is for life and I have a problem letting go, not getting rid of my children. Having said that, there are fraught periods where I crave freedom from the anxiety and worry of motherhood and want to be ‘me’ again. Often, motherhood is all-consuming and I find myself blaming myself for my role in their nurture and can’t wait until I can enjoy a full night’s sleep. In reality, I know that will probably never happen.

    • You never will. Sorry. Just because your children get older it doesn’t mean the love diminishes in any way (at least not in my opinion)

  7. Lana, I love this! You have so cleverly and clearly articulated a viewpoint that is very much aligned to my own mothering/parenting approach. I didn’t read this article and I don’t intend to. I get the gist of it from the above extract. I respect Jane Caro and think she has a lot of good stuff to say about a range of issues. But I can’t relate at all to her experience of motherhood. I feel sorry for her daughters (no child ever wants to feel their mother has opted out) but I also feel sorry for her. It seems that motherhood has been more of a chore than a rich experience. I can understand the desire to branch out of the mothering role after some time. I even feel like that now and my eldest is only 5! But, really, I never, EVER want to stop being a mother. I am looking forward to them going to the loo by themselves and tying up their own shoelaces, but I will never stop loving them fiercely and being an active and involved person in their lives. Great piece, Lana xx

    • Thank you Michaela, I too feel sorry for Jane (but not in a condescending smarmy way) because my experience of motherhood has been so magnificent (not every day for sure) but the love I have for my son and for my role as a mother fills me with something that no other part of my life has come close to xxxx

  8. I am constantly bemused by public comments Jane makes on motherhood. I’m not sure how I would feel to read them if I were her child. I think lots of therapy might be required.

    • I agree, I just don’t know how I would feel reading all the things she has written about her children from the perspective of that child…. although I am sure they know their mother loves them *hopes and prays*

  9. I think there is validity in both and I actually don’t think you’re diametrically opposed – but your ways of expressing it perhaps are. Yes, parenting is for life. But also, letting go of your children to live their own lives is incredibly important. Parenting is not ownership. Children don’t owe you anything because of your choice to bear them, raise them and love them. That’s your choice and eventually, a good parent embraces the adult their child has become and let’s them get on with the business of living a life they choose to live. While Jane’s approach might be brusque, she’s quite deliberately shifting her relationship to one where her children are free to fly and she’ hoping that she’s done a good enough job that they don’t need her, but she’s never saying she doesn’t want them. It’s not my way necessarily but she’s not ‘wrong’. She just has a different way of articulating her love for her children. I’ve heard her speak a couple of times – both times on occasions she was exploring the notion of mothering and self, including this one, and I can tell you – there was no notion at any level that she is not a crazy proud mama. Parenting is done differently and we need to embrace those who make us think about how we do what we do rather than tearing down people that do it differently.

    • I hope you don’t think I am tearing her down at all – because I completely respect the way that she parents, it’s just not the way I choose to. I have however heard her tear my way of parenting down, but that’s okay – I see the results in my own child and I am happy enough with that! x

      • Hi Lana, apologies – no. I didn’t. My ‘you’ and my general comment was more generally directed at the world and I should have made that clearer. I liked your article, and my parenting approach is very much aligned I think – though I suspect mine contains much more profanity. I’m just wary at the moment of the way we online collectively go all hungry tiger on a dying zebra when anybody disagrees. That is not to excuse her behaviour at all either btw. I was just trying to make the point that I can agree with you, as can others, without tearing down somebody else. x

        • You see Alison that is why I LOVE reading your blog, your Facebook updates and everything else I can find that you write. I love the points you make (but I promise I parent with more profanity than you do)

  10. I found the article surprising – I think (hope) it was more that it was poorly expressed. I can imagine being relieved from the more mundane aspects of raising a small child, or being so involved in the emotional roller coaster that can take place during the teenage years, and possibly that is what she is referring to. That certainly would be free-ing, for both the parents and the child(ren). But I keep thinking how my parents say at the same time ‘you never stop being a parent – and being concerned for them’ – maybe more at a less detailed level. Having said that, my grandmother, approaching 101, still lectures my 72 year old father about how much dessert he eats, so for some people, they will still retain the hands on approach, I guess.

  11. Leonie Howard says

    My mother died a couple of weeks ago at 95. She never stopped being a caring, loving, supportive and opinionated mum! She like my hair cut this way. She thought the colour was awful. She loved my shade of eye shadow. But the eye-liner made me look cheap. (I’m almost 70). Was I taking care of myself and eating properly? How were my boys and my grandchildren? She liked the outfit I wore. I never want to stop being a mother. It is my raison d’etre and I love it and will love it till I die.

  12. Your mother sounds amazing and I am sorry for your loss. Sounds like you are a mother just like her and in my books that’s a winner xx

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