Last week I wasn’t able to stop reading reports and listening to testimonies from people involved with the Knox School abuse. For those who have not been following, probably those not living in Sydney, students at the “prestigious” boys school on Sydney’s north shore were abused , over a 33-year period from the 1970s until 2003.
ABC News reports
A former student of a Sydney private school says students were sexually abused so often, he was not sure it was wrong when he was assaulted by a teacher in the playground.
Former Knox Grammar student Scott Ashton told the royal commission into child sexual abuse of the shock, shame and confusion he suffered after being abused at the school in the 1980s.
He said it was clear the school harboured “a large paedophile cohort” and the abuse led to him becoming a sex worker as teenager.
The details of the case, the extent and breadth of the abuse and the sheer horror of the case were frightening, crippling to listen to at times. Maybe it is because I am the mother of a son but at one stage when I listened to the testimony of one of the mothers speaking, actually speaking doesn’t cover it – sobbing with words coming out of her mouth was a more accurate description , I couldn’t breathe. The thought of something like that happening to my son makes my blood run cold, fear grips my heart. It’s a visceral reaction.
Little Pencil was in the car with me at times when we heard brief reports on the headline news. There was a teacher at his school once who was charged with being part of a paedophile ring owning and viewing online child porn. Perhaps that made me feel a little more scared.
He’s very close to some of his teachers, plays soccer with his tutor at break, calls him by a nickname. He is a great tutor. He’s not a paedophile. I know that my relationship with my son is very close and that if something/anything were amiss he would tell me.
Or would he? Because people who would harm children are sly in the way they behave with kids. They don’t come across as deceptive and dirty and evil. Not at first.
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So, as I always do, I spoke with Little Pencil about what was happening at the Royal Commission into child sex abuse. He’s 14, he can handle some scary factual news. I told him about the “casual” abuse on the playgrounds and reaffirmed that if any lines were crossed in his interactions at school with his teachers that made him feel uncomfortable he should speak up without shame or guilt. Just be open.
I may have made it into a bit of a light hearted joke afterwards, to try and lift some of the fear and make it seem more approachable. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe a lot of the things that I do as a parent are wrong but it’s the only way I know how.
But Mr Pencil disagrees with the way I have handled it. He says that I am stereotyping and generalising about male teachers by even bringing up the remotest possibility that someone in an authority position at my son’s school could in any way take advantage of him. He sees me taking the situation at Knox and even suggesting it might happen to Little Pencil as preposterous and unfair, he thinks it’s small minded of me to even make the link.
Clearly I think he’s wrong because otherwise I would never have had the original conversation.
But our discussion around the subject got me thinking. Am I without even realising it, making that link in my mind? Am I subconsciously more worried about my son with a male teacher because of the stories I am hearing in the news? I had a female teacher in high school who was without doubt a sinister, paedophile who prayed on male students but she just became the stuff of legend. Which is utter bullshit but a post for another day.
My son’s male teacher is an awesome role model, a great teacher, a mentor and a generally good human being. Will he always be tainted, even in the subconscious, by stories like those arising from the Royal Commission into child sexual abuse?
Are male teachers getting a bad rap because of scum like the staff at Knox (and other schools) who perpetrate evil against kids?
Interesting, Lana – my father was a teacher (now retired), and at one stage, my husband considered (briefly) restudying to become a teacher. Dad’s view – Don’t! There are so many restrictions, and suspicions, for male teachers, that it really limits the ability to teach. Now, not saying scrutiny isn’t needed (there are so many horrible stories coming out) but when a teacher can’t pat a student on the shoulders because of perceptions, it could well have swung the other way. I admire those who stay in the profession, as having GOOD male role models is very important, but I’m not sure I would be able to.
I meant to say ‘pat a student, in front of other people, and if that student is distressed / hurt / injured / looking to being consoled’ – I just realised how that read (my goodness, have to be so careful – I guess I am even proving my own point, but it does need all the qualifiers – and should, of course)
I knew exactly what you meant, it’s really hard to be a male teacher and it’s sad that it’s so hard
The male teachers I know are scrupulously transparent in any dealings with students. I hug my students, I pat them on the shoulder when they’re hurt and I tousle their hair when I’m in a good mood. I doubt a male teacher would do the same. Honestly… I feel sorry for male teachers because they can’t show the demonstrative affection so important to student teacher relationships in the primary setting.
It’s so sad isn’t it PInky, because empathy and compassion and caring IS such an important part of the relationship that a teacher has with a pupil and not being able to show that caring physically makes that connection so much more difficult at times
I think Mr Pencil has fallen into the “Not All Men” trap…
Yes, it’s true – not all male teachers are paedophiles, but it’s also true that some men become teachers because it gives them access to children…
So, I think you did the right thing – you let Little Pencil know that you were aware of the issue, and let him know that he could speak to you at anytime if a teacher made him feel uncomfortable… but I think you did it in a way that wouldn’t make Little Pencil think all male teachers were suspicious…
I think it’s perfectly OK to say “most male teachers are wonderful people, but if one of them makes you feel uncomfortable, make sure to talk to me” – nothing wrong with that.
Not All Men and Not All Women – I have certainly learned from conversations I have had around this post that my wording needs to be around all people in authority 🙁
Hi Lana, as a survivor of abuse by Catholic clergy of BOTH genders you have done the right thing in the way you discussed this with your son. You have done it in a non threatening and gentle way. If you want to have a discussion with a survivor in the interests of making sure that it doesn’t happen to any further children I’m prepared to talk with you discretely. I cant in the public arena as I have a court case coming up against the last living abuser and I don’t want to jeopardise the prosecution. You can message me here or follow me on Twitter and direct message. Take care.
Thanks Patrick – wishing you every luck for your court case. Hoping you get the justice you deserve and the help you can to get over such a hideous past
Yes I have my moments but I have some great help and Victoria Police have been and are fantastic. Also things like the joking commentary and videos that you share with Kerri on twitter do (whatever you may think) make a positive difference and put a smile on my face. Cheers
Hi Lana, I looked at the comments above, and see your point. In what you said you mentioned to your son, you said ‘teachers’, not male teachers specially? If so, I agree with your comment to your son, bearing in mind Patrick C’s comment about male and female teachers (and yours about the female teacher at your school). And possibly at your son’s school, most of the teachers are male – not sure. Kids should be made aware that people who have power may misuse it – hopefully it doesn’t happen, but it may – and what to do if it does. It’s very important that kids are aware of this – as well as the fact that when children are mistreated or abused, in any way, it is more often not a stranger but someone they know – and so they need to understand the signs, the fact they should not accept, feel ashamed or ignore it – but report it, to parents first (on the basis they have great parents like your son), etc.
But I disagree with John’s comment above about ‘male’ teachers – it isn’t limited to them, and I do think it is unhelpful to focus on one gender (or even, teachers only – it could also be an older student). This applies to all – male, female or trans (if that was applicable), teacher, tudor, student, parent, whoever. And we need to know that, in the main, male teachers, male parents, male passengers on a plane (that over-reaction from last year still makes me angry) generally are very trustworthy and just as caring. Just my view.
I agree with your view completely Helen. I really hope that in my parenting I teach my son to look at people as individuals not genders or races or religions xxx
I have loved your input to this conversation
Thanks! The Knox evidence, along with evidence from so many other institutions, is horrific – I feel so, so sorry for those who have been affected. But I agree with your comment about teaching our kids to see, and judge individuals. A great way to express it (and thanks for taking my comments in the way I meant them, too) xx
I think that it’s important that we teach children about inappropriate behaviours for both men AND women. In this instance perhaps you taught your son to be on the look out for it with men but at a guess because of the way you taught him it will filter over to women too. And I think that men can be singled out as the “bad guys” when it comes to abuse in schools and we forget that women can be abusive also. At the end of the day, we need to protect children against abuse and that means educating them to recognise the signs for men and women and in that way we’re not singling out just men.
Absolutely Anya, I had a monster of a teacher during my high school years who brought so much pain to some of the boys in my year and it was so easily dismissed because she was a woman. I think I spoke to my son in response to him telling me about one of the male teachers who was playing with him and his mates at school but I hope that my wording covered both genders because I know that sadly abuse it not restricted to males. Thanks for your valuable comment xx
Lana, I am with you on discussing sexual abuse in schools. I think it can be easier to talk about when you have an example at hand (like Knox) and since it is all over the news now, it is a good time to discuss these things with your son. I do think that male teachers get a bad rap and everyone points the finger at them first over females which isn’t at all fair. There aren’t many male teachers in the profession these days which is sad for the children. I had many male teachers in the 80’s when I was at school and they were some of the best teachers I ever had!
Saying that, I didn’t have a huge in-depth with my son before he went to boarding school this year. I didn’t want to freak him out thinking that everyone he deals with is a potential abuser. Especially whilst he is living there full-time. He knows what a pedo is, and the school has sent out newsletters on the subject of abuse and what they do in the situation. I trust the school, I also know some pedo’s can slide under the radar too. But I am very open with my son and the lines of communication are always open to talk about such things.