The contents of my head

contents of my brain

I think (and talk) a lot about how much of our children’s lives we should be sharing on social media and with other people. I am all for respect and boundaries. I have chosen to share carefully. Often I make mistakes.

I don’t think some “bad” person is going to steal my son’s image or but I do worry about exposing him to the world from my vantage point, without his adult consent and the understanding of all that it encompasses.

But the past few days I’ve found myself feeling stuck about how much I share about myself online.

It’s easy to believe that because I have a blog and don’t shut up on Facebook or Twitter that you know all there is to know about me. Because I share pictures of what I eat and I speak about my thoughts, my wishes and desires and I bombard you with photos of my dog, it’s reasonable to think that you get the full picture. And in a sense you do. You get the full picture of outward facing me.

But the last few days have been very inward facing.

On Sunday an old friend shared a link to a post that I found quite triggering (for want of a better word). She didn’t realise it at the time – just knew that I would love the voice and the tone of the post. Even though she shared it all the way from her home in San Francisco we talked about it. She made sure I was feeling safe about it. I did and it was good to reconnect. (Thanks Tali).

And then I thought about the post long and hard and all the emotions that it stirred in me and I got this blinding desire to write about my experiences as a teenager and how they were making me feel right now. The need to get it out was physical and powerful, so strong that it threatened to wipe me out – I wanted to write but I couldn’t. What would people say? Would it hurt my husband? What if my family read it? What if my friends read it? What if my son read it? What if you read it? What if I spoke about things I have kept so safely away from thought or consideration for such a long time?

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I woke up and decided that it had been stupid to even think like that and I packaged my memories away very neatly (because I am a tidy freak) and I got on with it. Got on with it with a huge headache but I got on with it.

And then on Monday I took my brother-in-law to a mental health support group. Let me say this much to you without breaking the confidences of the group – if you have a few issues simmering under the surface of the neatly laid out carpet on which you walk, you should not go to a group of very ill people run by a person with “lived experience” who is not quite on the other side yet, with no facilitator/mediator or mental health worker on site.

The meeting was a disaster. My headache entered a new realm of headacheness (which is a new word that I have just made up to describe what feels like my new way of life).

And so I have been sitting laden with thoughts and feelings and past experiences playing out in my head. I don’t know whether they belong online. I don’t know how I would feel about that tomorrow. Or in a week. Or next year.  I don’t know if it would be fair on my family and I’m not sure my problems should  be a column put out for the world to talk about.

It conflicts me greatly because I know how reading about other people’s experiences helps me. Am I being selfish in not sharing my experiences or is it ultimately more selfish to share them online? Would I do it to get validation, just to feel a bit better like you do when you have eaten something bad and you vomit it up and afterwards you feel better because you’ve got rid of what was making you sick?

I’m not writing this post  to seek comfort or to ask for pity for my headache but to get your thoughts on how much YOU share online?

Do you share your problems on Facebook? Do you write about your inner angst on a blog?

How much is it responsible to share and how scared are you that it’s going to come back and bite you even harder?

Comments

  1. Oh gosh, this post really speaks to me now. I am battling the same internal angst. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, “will writing and sharing this story help me?” Of course, it’s great when people relate to your experiences and you feel like you’ve impacted some insight, or even helps someone with a problem. But I also think it needs to be therapeutic to you as a writer. I am a fairly open person and like to write freely about my experiences. But some things are too personal to share. Right now I am considering writing about a deeply personal experience, but I need to be certain that writing it will also help me, and also my readers. I do find that people enjoy it when you share your vulnerability. They are certainly the blogs that I like to read. Good luck. PS My head is very messy too. Chaotic. Like a war zone actually!!! xx

  2. Well, I open my mouth and it often runs away without me. People shouldn’t judge as they aren’t walking in your shoes x

  3. I know what you’re saying. I don’t like sharing too much but I love blogging. My solution so far has been to write using a pen name, that way I can share my thoughts without my family or friends think I’m a complete loony. I still don’t share too much online, for those thoughts i use the old paper journal. Even writing things out and seeing them on paper helps to calm my issues down. I wish you luck with your decision 🙂

  4. Sleeping on it is the best advice ever Lana. There are so many things I would write and publish in my dark hours but sleep on it and never do. I guess if you really need to get something horrible out the best way (to avoid hurting people) is to write a piece of fiction. And I suppose that’s where the great artists of our world stem from. They express their darkest experiences through word, painting or song.

  5. At the moment I share very little. I was burned by, in the main, people who know me well, bitingly (I made that word) commenting on my posts as if they knew the contents of my heart and head intimately without speaking to me about it at all. Truthfully, if I felt no one I know was reading I would feel much more comfortable with sharing openly. There are things I would love to write more widely on but don’t want to hurt people on. I listened to a podcast today that was a big trigger for me too. Things that I haven’t thought about in over 20 years just came flooding back in an instant. I think you’ll know when the time is right, if it ever is, for you to openly write your feelings on this Lana. In the meantime, I hope that sleep helps settle your mind. x

    • Thank you Cat and I hope that you are looking after yourself and not exposing yourself to the people that would comment negatively or with hurt on your posts without actually knowing what was going on inside your head xx

  6. I often ponder this issue and wonder how much of myself I would lay out for the world to see (judge?), if I actually got this blog thing happening. My family have always been a bit ‘what would people think?’ about things, and while for myself I don’t have a problem baring my soul (or mixed up mind), I do wonder about the impact on my family, my kids, my husband etc. You can only do what is right for you and yours – but the idea of the paper journal is good if you think that it would help. xox

  7. Agh – I wish I had something really profound to say here. Instead, all I can say is ‘I get it’ xxx

  8. Lara, without knowing the circumstances you are working through, I have been grappling with the issue of whether I share details about myself – health, in particular. I know people write and say they find other people being open about struggles helpful, but I am trying to work out if in my case, I would be writing to try and help those who might have the same struggles (for those who might read it), to help me feel less alone with it (in which case, maybe commenting on other sites would be sufficient), or self indulgent (look at me – I’ve also got an issue to share! – maybe my blog would be more interesting as a result! That’s probably not reason enough though).

    I am also not convinced that it would be fair on my family (because I only have a few readers, and most are friends and family, some of whom wouldn’t know, and I don’t know if they would act differently with my family and me as a result). I guess that’s the test for me – if I wouldn’t tell these people in person (or in writing directly – via an email or letter – because I still feel embarrassed or uncomfortable to do so) then maybe I shouldn’t write about it. Not sure if that is helpful?

    • I know where you are coming from Helen and I guess I am in exactly the same boat as you although I am sure our stories are different. I don’t want my friends and family to view me differently any more than I do my other readers. I don’t think I have told anyone directly so the idea of writing it seems incongruous in the cold light of day x Good luck with YOUR decision

  9. My darling Grandie is 10 and before I write I wonder if he would be happy to read it. I know he very often does. I have boxes and boxes or paper journals which ‘they’ can all read when I am dead and gone and I reckon that might well bring a more real, complete picture of me, but if the books get water damaged or burned before anyone reads ’em, then that won’t be the end of the world either.
    Sometimes I reckon my history is just that, mine.

    • Yes! It’s a big decision to choose which part of your history you will share because that which you may share with your kids is very different to that which you would share with your work colleagues…

  10. Reckon Red says

    Everything you write I love to read. I am one of the many who thinks we cd be friends IRL. I feel you have such a special voice among a tsunami of dross. So I’d enjoy your take on anything including the IKEA catalogue. For what it’s worth, it’s your vulnerabilities that to me make you so readable. (Insert disclaimer: I am not a stalker). I have associations with writers and novelists ( in my head) which make me confuse my love of their works, with an affection for them and among Harper Lee, Edna St Vincent Millay and many others sits Lana H. Write it, don’t write it. Just write.

  11. I have had a few blogs over the years and my favourite of all of them, was my infertility blog that I started anonymously. Sure, after awhile I wasn’t quite as anonymous as when I started but even the people who knew me, didn’t really ‘know me’ iykwim. It gave me such a freedom to write exactly what I needed to write about at the time and from the comments and emails I got, I know being honest, raw and real in that space of mine, helped other people deal with their emotions and struggles, they related and knew they weren’t alone.

    And even though I’ve had a few different blogs since then and my anonymity isn’t quite there anymore, I still write the same, it’s just who I am.

    However, not everyone is like that. Some are fiercely private, others just let it all hang out, some find a happy medium and I think the key is to find where you’re comfortable. If you really want to let it all hang out but don’t feel comfortable doing so in your space, you could always ask to anonymously guest post on someone else’s blog?

    And I second VirtualNonsense’s suggestion of a journal. Sit down, put pen to paper and sometimes, that’s enough, just getting it out of your head and onto a different space.

    x

  12. Amandarose says

    Could you spill in out anonymously on the web somewhere? That way you can tell your story without being vulnerable?
    Sorry to here your conflicted and upset.

    • I thought about that and then I wondered if I would share it on my Facebook page and how I would respond to comments… I think paper is the way for now xxxx

  13. telstaar says

    I think what you share online depends on the person. I see some people sharing their life story (especially younger people) ams others who share very little. I share bits and pieces by usually only what I’d be okay with family or an employer finding (and all my accounts are locked). I feel that some things are better left to therapy but for mei think that’s because my own stuff triggers me more than reading about other people’s stuff. I think the trick is not to assume you know someone based on what they’re written on social media.is almost always only a part of the story.

  14. I’m someone who needs to write down my feelings to make the feel real… so, yes, I think you need to write them down somewhere – but you don’t need to post them online…

    I’ve written many posts that have never been published, but I’m glad I’ve written every one of theme – they’ve all helped me in some way….

    Some posts are meant to be public – same are just meant to be for yourself.

  15. Lana, I really understand your post. I share of myself but sparingly because I’m not sure how I would handle some reactions. The blog that you write is very important to me as you seem to “lock into” what I’m thinking. Kerri does as well. The two of you both individually and together have helped me get through a really tough 12 months. Twitter has been good because I have been able to send direct messages when I have needed to or felt the need to share something but not with everybody. I think that you should take up the paper journal so your thoughts are out there but then put them aside until your heart is comfortable with sharing them broadly with the blogosphere. Share with your deepest friends with your family (if you can) but writing it down will be cathartic and allow you to judge whether to share when you are in a better headspace.
    The help that you give your brother in law is very precious and even more so given that some of it means attending precarious gatherings. I admire you greatly for that.
    Keep blogging, Keep Tweeting but only what your are comfortable with.

    • Thank you so much for your very beautiful comment Patrick. I know that you have had a hard 12 months and I am really hoping that you are on the other side of all that pain

  16. I think everyone has different sharing thresholds. i quite enjoy reading other people’s over-sharing, but i’m a bit too uptight to give too much of myself away.
    My blog is fairly new, and many of my posts contrast my experiences growing up in the 70s with the world my kids are growing up in. I struggle, though, with the extent of what I can share, and that will probably mean some of the funniest (and most incriminating) stories, may never see the light of day, except maybe in a fictional setting. (In fact I think ‘fiction’ may be the answer to a lot of writers’ sharing/oversharing issues, lol.)

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