Up until last week I was feeling positively jealous of my niece. What’s not to be jealous of? She is tall, dark and magnificent, she has just finished school and she has the whole world in front of her. In fact if I am honest about it, her youth alone would have been enough to make me jealous but coupled with the whole beautiful thing – positively green making.
But now the reality of her youth has caught up with me and made me feel enormously glad that I am an old, married hag. This week marked the breaking of my niece’s heart. Yup, her boyfriend in all his ignorant youth decided they needed a break.
All this heartache and teenage angst has floored me. It has transported me slap bang to the mid 1980s where my heart acted like a plate at a Greek wedding for some time and I am renewed with fresh heart ache for the pimply, curly haired boy that toyed with my heart. It brings up so many memories of my first love and the first time I felt like my world would end because the boy in question did not return my affections.
In my mind 20 odd years later, the boy in question is still 18. He is not a man with a family, a job and a past filled with growing experiences. He is just the 18 year old prick that broke my heart. I have frozen him there and will not be thawing him at any stage in my future – he broke my heart so I see no reason to hit defrost. Essentially I learned not a thing from the experience at the time.
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With him safely tucked in the freezer of my mind, it is easier to philosophise and to explain all the teenage angst away but that is only because over 20 years have passed. And, when the hurt is not so raw and open, it even feels like it may not have been that bad. But I know it was awful because at the time I did not have the benefit of experience and therapy, all I had was the ability to freeze people in my mind.
Seriously, I know many people say youth is wasted on the young but maybe experience is wasted on the aged…. God knows I would have benefitted from it when I was 17.
Does the crack that appeared in your heart from your first break up still throb at times? What were the things you learned or did you just use my freezing mechanism and learn nothing at all?
YES!! Experience is wasted on the aged!!! Oh that is PERFECT.
I still can remember the desperate pain of my first unrequited love – really my only unrequited love. THREE YEARS I longed for this boy and he never, ever noticed me – despite me doing everything I could to get his attention. I pined. I yearned. I ached. And I never even got a kiss.
I pray my kids won’t go through that pain but they will. I’m sure of it. And I’m not even sure you learn anything, except that you’ll survive to move through other pains in the future.
And on that happy note….. SIGH……
Mine isn’t a break-up. Mine wasn’t even reciprocated. That’s what made it worse. You see, I skipped my teenage angst completely and utterly in high school, knew I was gay but never told anybody. I found men attractive, but never fell in love with them. As far as I knew, I could marry a trophy wife and live a successful, faux-life.
Not true.
At the age of 20, almost 21 (two years ago) I met a straight boy. He was good looking, very funny. He made me laugh so much. He was a best friend’s friend. He made up a nickname for me – Dancing Rick. I acted funny around him because I could not handle being in the same room and not being completely in awe of everything about him. It ached just a little that I couldn’t do anything about it.
And then one day he left, went back to Sydney. It felt like somebody had blown a hole in my heart. It was the most physical of pains, deep within my chest which I knew couldn’t be real. But there it was. I felt it every morning.
And the sad part, the really sad part, at the time was that I knew I could never tell him. Or that he would never be mine. I did end up telling him, via Facebook. Not to try and change things, just so he knew.
And I realised, for the first time in my life, that I could never pretend to be straight. My little charade couldn’t last.
And it damn near nearly destroyed me.
(PS: But it didn’t, as you can see).
The one who broke my heart broke it big BIG time. I had no clue. He dumped me for the woman he married, and 20 years on her name is still burned in my memory, and I can still feel the (albeit distant ache he caused)
It hurt, I missed school, I didn’t eat, I cried. What did it teach me? Get in first. From then on I did just that – no way anyone was going to hurt me like that ever again.
What did I learn? That you do move on, you do survive, that you do love again, and that some loves do last a life time. (Soppy I know… but true)
My heart has been broken more than once and stomped on twice (that I DEFINITELY know).
The first was when my then husband, came home from therapy one evening and announced that we should separate. This is the same man I moved to the other side of the world for, whom I left my family and friends and closed my successful business for and never thought twice about not doing it. His excuse was that he and therapist had come to the conclusion that he didn’t love me and didn’t think he ever did.
That was comparable to being kicked in the back whilst having my head held under water. Took me two years and a lot of alcohol and drugs to get over.
The second, is a long, long story…still going actually. The crib version goes like this…
Dating a guy that I thought was The One til he came home from a business trip to Zurich and told me he’d slept with someone else. We’ll call her Swiss Miss. Could my heart take another trampling? Apparently, yes.
Anyhoo, she moved in with him and they were together for a couple of years but he and I kept in touch, and, don’t judge me please, but we slept together, lots. I know, I know, I could never trust him if we were together, but he’s the guy I can’t say no to…
Doesn’t everyone have someone who makes their brain turn to mush???
Brain to mush ? Um Yes!
My heart was torn from my chest stamped on and then returned. I was 23 and in my first serious relationship i played cool for so long and thne he let me in and i fell in body and soul. After 9 months he told me he wanted a break, that we would catch up in a month an see how HE felt. I stopped eating for 3 weeks finally i felt strong enough to go out i ran into a girl who asked me if i was who i am and that she recogognised me form the photos on his bedroom they had been dating for a few weeks longer than he and i ahd been broken up.
He tortured me for years calling to say hi and wanting to catch up. Finally after i had moved to europe changed numbers etc i thought i was free until he stole my numbers from a mutual friends phone and called me. He wanted to know what it was like to be me as in more in love with your partner than they are with you. Told me he never really loved me he was just attached, that he knew we would never make it as a couple because i liked to cuddle after sex. It was endless fianlly he got married had akid and has left me the hell out of it and all i can say is thank god and no wonder i am still single. So yeah some days it still hurts but mostly because of the way he handled it i feel used and unloved
You have to tell me where to find this man. I need to torture him – on your behalf xxxxx
I had just broken up with my first long tem (read 3 months) boyfriend. I was 18, just finished school and the world was opening up. One of the guys in our group had been a friend for years- he was clever, made me laugh and loved to have fun. We went out with each other for about a month- he even got the shock of his life when my dad burst in on us at 3 am while we were in the loung room kissing, that was all, lots and lots of fabulous kissing.
Dad thought Iust have gone to bed and forgotten to turn the light off- I don’t know who got the biggest shock : dad finding his daughter with her lips wrapped around a boys face or us asy dad owned the sliding doors and stood there in his only his undies!
Anyway, the boy decided we should just be friends- blah blah blah. I was numb, we were great together and boy could we kiss; did Iemtion the kissing?
Turns out my first boy friend had told this guy to go out with me, that I was uptight and needed a fuck. (his words).
Well , neither of them got that far, they were not worth it, worse luck for them cause I was totally worth it!
Still- broken hearted I was and it took me a long while to get over it.
The boys ? Boyfriend number one ended up marrying a superficial consumer driven bitch and bf 2 was one of those guys who partied hard and peaked early. Boring by age 24.
Just re read my post – sorry about the typos. Really shouldn’t post on my iPhone as make terrible mistakes!
I agree – their loss. But oh the pain…
First “love” was my best friend in high school – he wa everything I wanted to be – well read in classic literature, an actor, just brilliant – and dating a friend of mine. I pined for three years. Then high school finished, we lost touch, about five years ago i found out he was gay – which explained actually quite a lot.
First broken heart – ah that still feels like yesterday – together for a year, dumped me out of nowhere to go to India, got back with me, we ended up pregnant, told me it was baby or him, as did his sister, I chose him, fool that I am and regret it ever day, he left for India on a wave of promises, wrote an email to me breaking my heart into a thousand peices. Got back to Australia last year, met up as friends, all the hurt came back, he broke up with me because he was ‘thinking of me too much’, he then again cut of contact without one single word, no line, no email , no text, no call – he has vanished and I don’t know if he is alive or dead.
That one not only broke my heart, but part of my soul, my moral code and my life – yeah still hurts a lot. Still hate motorbikes and postmen (he rode one and was the other)
Thank you for letting me get him out of my head – he always comes back at events like Christmas.
I know what you mean about teenage relatives – my 21 year old cousin had her heart broken this year by her boyfriend of 4 years – and it is so horrible to not be able to make the hurt go away…
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