I am not so much a spa frequenter as a supermarket regular, such is my rockstar life. But this holiday I decided, given there was no supermarket in sight, I would treat myself to a spa treatment or two. Given that I am an anxious worrier this actually caused a bit of stress.
I spent hours on end poring over the brochures of every spa In Noose. I studiously read and reread the descriptions for every available treatment trying to work out the pros, the cons, the affordability and how I would get time away from my family.
Those of you who have read about my startling ability to be totally seduced and overwhelmed by product will understand that reading the spa brochure was like putting a fully stocked mini bar in front of a weary traveling alcoholic. Everything looked appealing and I truly believed that some of the treatments would totally transform my skin and, in the really early hours of the morning when I was totally sleep deprived and vulnerable I believed a body wrap would make me look like a had completed regular triathlon training for at least 3 months.
So I obsessed and I compared and I budgeted and I convinced myself it would all be worth it. In fact I was fully convinced after all my research that supermodels only look like they do because they frequent day spas not because they eat only celery and spend hours a day stretching as they step out of extensive cardio routines. Make up and lighting didn’t interfere with my dreamy reverie.
My beauty transformation was going to take more than one treatment, and I had chosen the detox for my first activity I went in as stressed and anxious as the worst case the spa had ever seen. What if I fainted? Got too sore? Broke out in a rash? Cried? Died?
It was actually peaceful and idyllic in the spa, a little piece of Noosa masquerading as Bali but at least it was clean and I was fairly
confident that I was not going to die (unless of course I was allergic to the oils they used). They introduced me to my masseur and I was instantly transported in to the middle of “what the hell do I do now” land She left me to undress and I almost ran away. Should I remove my bra? Should I have worn more sensible undies ? Will my body react to the massage by releasing wind? And where on earth do I put my clothes anyway?
As it turned out the massage was quite pleasant , if you like unbearable pain. Easier to withstand then the body wrap because at least during the massage I could focus on the pain.
The body wrap? That was an interesting way for me to learn that I am completely and utterly unable to focus on the present.
As I lay on the massage table and got scrubbed and moisturised and buffed and showered by a very interesting overhead watering contraption, I tried so hard to enjoy myself. I tried to focus on right now,I tried to enjoy the touch, the sensation the feeling of the water on my body but instead my mind went into overdrive . Rotating in a noisy cycle were the following thoughts
- I must ask Mr Pencil if he would like a body scrub and wrap
- Should I write about this?
- Stop and enjoy this for God’s sake
- She is using a lot of towels, this is a lot of washing I am creating
- I’m glad I’m not the person who has to clean this room
- I wonder if they employ someone especially to do washing and cleaning
- Do they use fabric softener? They mus?
- Stay in the now, damn it!
- Why do I shout at myself?
- How do people meditate?
- Feel that shower, it’s going to be over soon
- Have I bought all the stationery on Little Pencil’s school list?
- Does the therapist get bored doing her job?
- Does the therapist think I’m fat?
- Shut up brain and let the body relax
- What if the water gets switched off at the mains and I can’t get this mud off my body?
- This is amazing, I wonder if I should do it again
- This is a very expensive shower
- This is wasting a LOT of water
- Some people are homeless
- What am I going to have for dinner?
- Do supermodels get bored having their bodies pampered?
- Why is it that I am so bad at maths
- I think I would like to go overseas this year
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I came out looking exactly the same as I went in. Funny that.
But at least I had decided on what I should have for dinner and I was confident that I had bought everything on the stationery list.
How do you relax? Do you?
Hahaha sounds like me. My mind races and says ‘stop thinking about stuff’ but then my mind wont stop thinking about NOT thinking. Viscous cycle.
Thanks for the laughs Lana…
OMG how do I relax…I am not sure I ever do.
Mind switched on (Y)
Mind fast forwarding to could/should/maybe (Y)
Mind annoying the hell out of me with its persistence (Y)
You ARE getting the picture.
I know how you felt going for a massage for the first time.
Thank you for knowing what I thought too.
(it was the wind passing & needing to do no 1s that bothered me)
Tense? You bet.
Afterwards…not so, but gee, you have to let other people touch you that you dont know very well..but something worked for me, when I was very very
sleepy afterwards…ZZZZZZZZ
you.are.so.like.me
I had my first and only massage nearly a year ago.
All the same thoughts passed through my mind(not the school stuff though).
My mind is running in constant circles 24/7.
I worry about any and everything, whether I need to or not…..
LP
Oh my. This made me laugh so much. I’ve only ever had one body wrap- I was so excited and then was traumatised by it. I kept feeling like San Chou Bow – asI was the oily chicken wrapped too tight in leaves, slipping about. I broke free and then was scolded by the therapist. These days I try to relax by running back through who won Best Actress oscars . Then I start trying to remember the dresses they wore. It usually works.
I’ve had approximately 4 massages in my life and I do exactly the same thing as you. OMG am I supposed to strip down to nothing? Why is she massaging the side of my boob? Why can’t I just turn off and not be freaked out that she saw me flash when I rolled over.
Nope, my husband is the only one I want to massage me and he rarely does these days. There’s always a pay off. I just want a no strings attached massage, one where I can fall asleep. Cheapest Birthday present he can give me.
Glad you are having a good holiday though. xx
I love having a massage – along with a pedicure, it’s the only spa stuff I like. When I am a gazillionaire I will have 2 massages per week, instead of per year. No-one is going to wrap me or buff me. I once had a facial (can’t remember why) and some kind of body mud thing but I was so cranky about all the pampering and prodding and mud and cling wrap that I had to buy some expensive nailpolish to calm me down afterwards. But like you, I can not turn off my mind. I confess I have never wondered about my maths ability during a massage but I always, always think “I really must learn to meditate well”. That’s one of my goals for this year. Loved what you wrote Lana – such resonance for most people I’m guessing … x
So, so sad. But so, so TRUE! Relax is a non-functional word for me. My brain doesn’t stop ticking, thinking, analysing – if only any of it was useful! I can’t even sleep without having one or two dreams. The sad fact of life. #mustfindanotherway (sorry I am a hashtag addict)
Oh I love massages and have at least one per month. I have been known to totally fall asleep, only to wake myself up with a little snort. I have somehow gone from a person who couldn’t sleep or relax to someone who can fall asleep or relax anywhere. Bliss. And Bern, I couldn’t care less if I flashed a bit as I rolled over – my massage therapist/acupuncturist has been massaging me for years. I would probably be a little more worried with someone new.
That had me laughing out loud!
You have described a microcosm of my own inner brain workings. So well it is uncanny.
For me hard exercise is the best way to get away from it. My mind keeps boing for about 10 minutes, then slowly drifts away… Sport in a team, chasing something speeds up the process and it is easier to motivate myself when in front of a bunch of people all wanting you to get the frisbee (yep, competitive frisbee is my thing)…
I sent your post to everyone in my office. You are hillarious and your writing style is great. While I AM able to relax and calm my mind, the funny whirl of thoughts you had were beyond entertaining. Thanks for sharing the experience.
Can you do that what-your-brain-is-thinking thing more often?
I love it!!!
This blog post is me. Loved it!
I had my first microdermabrasion (never again) the other day and my thoughts included:
– Oh, this is amazing, I think I’m dozing off.
– Hang on, why is my skin burning? Seriously, what’s going on?
– Where’s she going? What’s THAT cream?
– Oh crap, please, please, please take this cream off. I’m on fire.
– I’M ON F*#KING FIRE, TAKE THIS CREAM OFF.
– Oh, that’s better.
– This massage is so relaxing, mmmm
– I wonder if my face is burnt. Feels like it.
– Is this nearly over? I’m starving and want to see if my skin is as burnt/red/scarred as it feels.
– Holy crap, my skin feels smooth.
– That was amazing, I’m doing it again next month.
– What the HELL is that?
– Never again.
-Mmm, what’s for dinner?
And the cycle repeats.
It’s exhausting being an over-thinking worrier, isn’t it? Gx
I love this post! I do exactly the same thing. Usually when I’m trying to get to sleep. Sleep is meant to be relaxing, right? Kind of necessary if I don’t want to be cranky. But instead my mind buzzes around with all sorts of random thoughts and distracts me from falling asleep. It often goes like this:
Do I really care if I turn my phone off? If I keep thinking I won’t get to sleep to be able to be woken up by an early morning text!
You’re a fellow chronic-over-thinker. I’m constantly churning over everything in my mind. I find it almost impossible to have downtime or to relax. Increasingly I’ve been trying to relax. The last few days, this has been forced upon me with The Lurgy Of Doom. I’m going mental. I’ve been laying in bed for 70-something hours.
Anyway my relaxation attempts have involved;
– Meditation (body scan, etc. which is SO hard becuase my mind keeps wandering but they say to stick with it)
– Reading (I’m currently reading an amazing book called Cheating Death about medical advances, although I’ll admit it’s more work-focused than anything else)
– Writing
– Cleaning
But gosh darnit, it takes a LOT of practice for anything to really truly be relaxing.
Loved it!
How do I relax? Vodka.
I am USELESS at spas. I like a massage, but everything else? I just can’t see the point.
This is my first time to your blog. You’re wonderful. I thought I was the only one that paid large amounts of money only to spend the whole experience worrying about wasting water and what’s that funny smell? My masseuse has a nose whistle! Etc, etc.
Consider me your newest subscriber.
I love love love this post!!! Spas are my passion, even my business is a listing and review site for Australian spas but its funny how often I have a spa treatment and have exactly the same experiences that you had! I wrote a piece on the myspaguide.com blog recently about me and spray tanning and how it is singularly the most humiliating thing i have ever experience including child birth but i keep going back for more!! I am inclined to believe my husband when he says you women are wierd!
I’m not allowed to relax. For me relaxing is completely switching off. We’ve just had a little pencilette of our own, so now switch off time is non existant. And forget massages, they just hurt, I don’t find them relaxing at all. And forget reflexology, I have ticklish feet. People have almost been killed by touching my feet. Think bucking bronco, and that’s me.