Right now I am sitting on a flight to Los Angeles and I am not at all nervous. Not a bit. In fact I’m really relaxed. I have the sounds of Angus and Julia Stone playing in my ears, I have my son and my husband at my side and I have the words of Rebecca Sparrow in my head.
All my life I have been a bit scared and although I have had my fair share of therapy (and probably your fair share too) nothing has really stuck. The way that I have dealt with my anxiety is too prepare for the worst.
When I wrote exams I prepared myself for failure, I imagined how I would deal with failing, how I would break it to my family and what I would do the following year. I imagined that if I dealt with it in my head first it would be easier to deal with if and when it happened. It never did.
When I lost something I told myself I would never find it – that way I was prepared if I never did.
When somebody told me that they loved me I never believed them. Still find it very hard.
When I flew I prepared myself to be hijacked. I anticipated the crash and I consoled myself that at least I would now what to do and how to handle it because I had lived the situation so many times in my head
So how come I am so relaxed on this epic flight to LA? How come after I have read The Secret and been to therapy and devoured self help books and hypnosis and huge amounts of medication I am feeling at ease now?
I think Rebecca Sparrow can take the credit. Her genius words, her nurturing manner and the beautiful way she dispenses her wisdom.
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When she first mentioned keeping a diary of gratitude I thought she was being a little hippy/new age and er, odd. But I saw how centred she was and how light literally shone from within her. Because every day she chooses to think of the things that she is grateful for, she doesn’t focus on the negative.
I thought about it a lot, but I never acted on it. Then last night as I was panicking about my flight Bec sent a message to one of my colleagues who is writing an exam today. She wrote:
“Before you go in, visualise yourself feeling like you know the answers. And being able to recall all the stuff you’ve read and learnt. “
And I don’t why but it just spoke to me.
I could make the choice and it could be a positive one, I didn’t have to think about the worst case scenario. It wasn’t selfish or scary to imagine the best possible outcomes. So I imagined us landing at LAX safe, happy and excited, I focused on the laughter, the joy we are going to share. Why not live the good stuff twice instead of the bad stuff once just in case? (I also chose not to think about Nat’s exam at all)
Now I just have to perfect this technique and use it in my everyday.
Thank you Rebecca