In what will be news to no one that already knows me I have realised that I have an awful problem, I cannot switch off. I don’t even know where the switch is.
I am in what could well be regarded as paradise – an idyllic resort in a blissfully quiet part of Phuket. Truly magnificent surroundings, a choice of 3 stunning pools plus my very own plunge pool mere metres away from what could be best described as the most comfortable bed in the world and surrounded by people that I love and that love me in return.
I have seen the hustle and bustle of tourist Phuket, I have swum in spectacular azure waters and I have eaten (way too much) of the most sumptuous food on offer. I have spent hours reading on the beach, lying at the pool and floating in the sea, I have had massages and a fully body polish and if my body was any more relaxed I would be declared dead.
But my mind is far from dead. It’s been ticking over at it’s normal pace of knots and the thoughts racing around my head are in dire need of a holiday of their own.
That’s just one of the reasons that I am so lucky that I am on holiday with my husband. Aside from having someone to put suntan lotion on my back, pay for all my meals and take care of all the tedious parts of holidaying (he’s an excellent packer and makes plans with seamless precision) he is also my very own personal therapist. And while he doesn’t charge anything he works harder and better than any counselor I have paid in the past. And Lord knows I have paid a fair few therapists in the past.
But most amazingly after 25 years together Mr Pencil still comes up with insights into my own character that I didn’t even know where part of me.
The other night while trying to still the noises in my head and resisting the huge and almost overwhelming urge to go online and see what was happening at work, correct a typo, give my 2 cents, send a work related tweet (or 40) check on Facebook, organise school stuff for next term, worry about child care next year, even spend a few minutes panicking about my son’s Bar Mitzvah (which is more than a year away) I looked at him with “that” face – the one that says “I will never be able to sleep, I just can’t get close.”
I don’t even know what he was thinking about or how his brilliant neural pathways made the connection but he pointed out to me that my problem that night, and MANY other times comes from the fact that I always “have to be right”.
I have to tell you – I was shocked. I thought that it was MEANT to be that way. It is our assumption that just intense men can have children! NO! You can in any case treat your ineptitude issue and acquisition de viagra and successful weakness drug. While treating low testosterone is a possibility today, knowing when exactly treatments should be taken is also important and therefore, we bring to you several ways this discount viagra the original source condition can impact your sexual function. purchase viagra uk Before 1998, erectile dysfunction did not have a cure. Cranial osteopathy embraces viagra online online all of these specialties and is available following many requests from our satisfied customers to enhance the quality of male hard-on. I thought that if you knew something other people didn’t; you had to tell them.
Turns out you don’t. I have always been too quick to respond, in too much of a hurry to make my point, too anxious to make people like me or believe me or maybe just believe IN me.
I have never been good at long term planning – more of a band aid girl rather than a watch and wait type of person. I want to solve everything now and deal with the fall out when it happens (and not a minute later). It’s not working and it’s exhausting me.
I know that sometimes people can see me as aggressive and I never really understood why, I am, in my own mind, the least aggressive human on the planet – I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the effect I have on people around me and a harrowing amount of time worrying about everyone else’s happiness. But I do know that I like to make my point – sometimes way too quickly.
Most times I do it to make people think about me in the way I want them to. My husband’s newsflash assured me I was doing the opposite.
So I am going to take more heed of what Mr Pencil has to say (except when it comes to shopping). I am going to blog more, try and switch off and relax more, think calmly before I respond rather than rushing into it and stop trying to prove to the world that I am right.
It might be uncannily quiet given that my neurosis and on the spot responses make a lot of noise but I am confident that Little Pencil and Mr Pencil will more than make up for that – it’s just that the noise that they make will be better for my head. And in return it will be better for everyone around me.
Lana – you have just looked into my head/heart/soul and described me to a T! My husband tells me this all the time and I don’t disagree but I have yet to discover how to stop (thinking, acting, reacting, solving, resolving and correcting). It irks me constantly and I have no solution – if you find one please share xx
One step at a time. My first one is going to be NOT to respond without some careful thought. Realising that not every thing needs to be fixed by me and that some things take time is going to be a huge lesson for me. xxxxx
OK Lana. So it’s now quite clear to me that you and are twins. And while I’ve always suspected, now I’m certain!
I am you. You scare me. The difference is, I don’t have a Mr Style Counsel who’s anywhere as emotionally articulate as your Mr Pencil. To the contrary in fact! He would rather have his toenails pulled out with pliers than speak to me about feelings, emotions, or observations of (my/our) human behaviours! We too have been married (next month) 25 years. How he’s put up with me that long, I’ll never know. Mind you, I ask the same question about him almost hourly, so maybe there’s food for thought there too?
I am the female Fonzie. Remember him? He couldn’t say wrrr…. wr…wrong either?! But then, I rarely am wrrrr….aren’t I? heheh Actually, the bit that really resonated me the most in your brilliant post was this bit: “I have always been too quick to respond, in too much of a hurry to make my point, too anxious to make people like me or believe me or maybe just believe IN me.” Oh, AND this bit… “I am, in my own mind, the least aggressive human on the planet – I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the effect I have on people around me and a harrowing amount of time worrying about everyone else’s happiness.”
SHIT! What do I do now Lana?! Please tell me? I have spent my life worrying about never hurting others (but still getting hurt so much myself. How does that happen?). How do I learn to toughen up yet still “not change” – to relax more, but still get things done (to my super high standards, I might add?). Oh dear…I’m a lost cause…but thanks so much for at least making me feel a little less alone just as I am!!
Big Al xx
I wish I had all the answers but I can say that I am extraordinarily lucky to have my husband! He’s too good at seeing right through me and explaining me to myself.
What I do think is comforting though, is how many people feel the same way. At the end of the day most people really mean well and maybe if we recognised that in others they would recognise it in us.
I am taking it a step at a time – my biggest lesson is undoubtedly going to be NOT responding at once. It’s when I do that, that I dig my biggest holes.
Thanks for your beautiful comment – let’s do this together
xxxxx
You are a gorgeous woman Lana! Love your writing, your blogs, your work, your attitude, your honesty…Don’t change a thing!
Big Al xx
Um … I could have written this post.
I too have been the beneficiary of blinding truths from my dear husband that I usually don’t want to hear because erm … I’m always right! Right?!
I also spend a lot of time obsessively trying to control what people think about me. Ironically someone pointed out that this trait limits my writing. And I have been really agitated all week about it because I have no idea how to turn that side of me down!
When you work it out, can you please let me know? Surely there’s an off/volume button we can press that will stop us worrying whether others approve of us? I know I’d be a hugely successful “something” and a much better writer if I too could flick that switch! xx
Lol I will let you know!! I about to write something as ‘anonymous’ just to see if it frees me up a bit!!
Oooh now that’s not a bad idea!! I spend so much time wondering if others will critique my grammar, spelling or just not like my opinion (I’m scared of those troll-types!) I rarely comment at all! When I do, I hold my breath…
Arrrgh!! xx
The one good thing I have in my favour is that I completely discount troll types. I give them no air and I will happily delete them – they REALLY don’t know me and they have no right to be in my space.
Remember your blog is YOUR space – just like you would not allow people like that in your home you do not have to accommodate them online. Ever and at all xxxxxx
I’m lucky so far that I’ve never yet encountered one, but then I do safeguard that by trying to ensure that I am always non-inflammatory. And if I have a strong opinion, I tend to keep it to myself (for fear of being judged or not liked! Arrrgh!).
Totally agree with you re our blogs being our space. I will remember that and may even find myself getting a little more gutsy there too!? One day! heheh
Big Al xx
You have no idea how much I worried about what people would think about me when I posted this. I even got my husband to check it before it went up and I never normally do that in the course of my day to day writing. But I think I am learning that authenticity is more important than control……
Let it go and give it time. Ooops I think I just channeled my husband!
xx
Hi Lana, looks like there’s more than one of us that has the correct answer to everyone’s problems. We should be in charge of the UN, federal and state government and while we’re at it, I’m sure we could solve world hunger and the debt problems of the world because we have the right answer and we’re never wrong!!
oh and one more thing…mazal tov on the upcoming bar mitzvah!
Thank you 🙂
I knew there was a reason we were friends. I’m almost always bloody wrong.
There are many reasons. Many many 😉