Archives for April 2013

Isabella Dutton (photo from The Daily Mail)

I am always careful in what I put online – especially when it comes to my child. I check with him if I share a photo that he is in it and I am mindful of not putting anything out there that I would not want him to read at any time. Not just now but in the future.

It is with this in mind that I was quite taken aback when I read this brutally honest post from Isabella Dutton aptly named “The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life”

Isabella is 57 now and her two children Jo and Stuart are adults. She has told the world via an article in the Daily Mail about how much she resented her children.  How she wished she’d never had them.

She writes in part

“My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.

Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn’t yet woken.

I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.

I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

I was 22 when I had Stuart, who was a placid and biddable baby. So, no, my feelings were not sparked by tiredness, nor by post-natal depression or even a passing spell of baby blues.

Quite simply, I had always hated the idea of motherhood. In that instant, any lingering hope that becoming a mum would cure me of my antipathy was dispelled.

I remember asking myself, ‘Is he really mine?’ He could, quite literally, have been anyone’s baby. Had a kind stranger offered to adopt him at that moment, I would not have objected.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

Two years and four months after Stuart was born, I had my daughter Jo. It may seem perverse that I had a second child in view of my aversion to them, but I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one.

I felt precisely the same indifference towards her as I had to Stuart, but I knew I would care for Jo to the best of my ability, and love her as I’d grown to love him.

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Yet I dreaded her dependence; resented the time she would consume, and that like parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return.

Whenever I’ve told friends I wished I’d never had them, they’ve gasped with shock. ‘You can’t mean that?’ But, of course, I do.

And further into the article she explains her life with her kids

Tony and I had our rigidly defined roles. I did not look after the children when he was around. So as they played football, sat glued to the Grand Prix or watched the golf, I would creep back to our chalet and immerse myself in a good book. Other mums were running around like headless chickens after their children, but in our household Tony took that role.

We shared many happy times together; I did everything a good mother is supposed to. We had bucket-and-spade holidays on the Isle of Wight; there were endless sports events in which the children shone. I’m sure they would agree that they always felt secure and loved.

It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

Having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally, with little or no return. It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. And your job is never done.

I know my life with Tony would have been so much happier without children, less complicated and more carefree.”

I don’t believe either that Stuart or Jo sensed any coolness on my part, although Jo once said, ‘You never tell me you love me, Mum.’ And I didn’t, it’s true. But I reassured Jo that I did love her. She and Stuart just accepted that I wasn’t demonstrative.”

It’s crystal clear she didn’t want children and I almost applaud her for the honesty in which she conveys this. She may not have loved her children in the traditional sense (certainly not in the Hallmark sense) but she acted like she thought a mother was meant to behave.

Clearly her children are old enough to have read it and it’s obvious that she has spoken to them about it.  Why she wrote about it is another story altogether. But does she deserve to be attacked by “better mothers”?

The Mail Online closed comments on the post but not before thousands of people attacked her, not just as a mother but as a person.  The comments were horrific and nasty.  Hundreds of other media outlets picked up the story and the comments were just as vehement.

No kidding huh?

As always it makes me wonder about all the people that write hateful and poisonous comments online. Not just about this story but many others. Somehow it’s okay to write anything in a comment, it’s fair play to be mean and nasty in a response to something but it’s not okay for a writer to do that in a post.

I moderated comments on Mamamia for many years – I think I’ve seen the gamut of responses to other people’s parenting. I’ve been unlucky enough to stumble on some hideous forums that think it’s fair play to pick apart Australian bloggers, I’ve read the comments on far too many stories on other online forums and I’ve seen the vilest of Twitter abuse.

So while I can’t claim to understand what drove Isabella Dutton to write this piece (maybe she just wanted to air her view – maybe she has indeed helped thousands of other mothers who bring up their children perfectly well but hate parenting) I have more difficulty understanding parents that continue to bully and abuse other parents in comments and online forums while proclaiming how much better they are as people.

I’m careful about what I put out there about my son, I’d hate to hurt him in any way.  I am well aware that it’s as easy for him to read the comments as it is the story. And I never want him to think that bullying is okay.