Sometimes I wish I were my husband.
Not the man that goes to work and deals with numbers and figures and things I don’t even understand from early in the morning to late in the evening. Not the man that cares for and worries about his brother, has also been known to be a “little concerned” about the amount his son eats or his dog walks. I’ve already got stressing about everything covered. Many times over.
Rather, I wish I were my husband in conversation.
I wish I had his deeper understanding of relationships, of dealing with the ins and outs of dialogue. It’s not just because he’s incredibly smart and articulate but it’s the way he responds to exchanges with people that I want to make my own.
Where I hear anger and aggression, he hears passion and ardour. Where I hear whining and whingeing he hears someone that needs to be listened to. Where I worry that people are excluding me or somehow hating me (paranoid people like me do that a lot) he looks beyond the conversation to where it is coming from.
I don’t mean to make him out to be a saint because there’s been many a time I’ve wanted to pull him up when we are in the middle of a group conversation. There’s also been many times I’ve wanted to kick him to encourage him to shut up in company and I wont even mention the eye rolls and exaggerated exasperated sighs because quite frankly, sometimes I do not like listening to him at all.
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But he has something I don’t. He has the ability to cut out the emotion from conversation without being emotionless himself. I am the opposite.
I inject emotion into dialogue that doesn’t have any to start. I tend to take conversations and analyse them until I have worked myself into a state. I look back at each snippet of what I’ve heard so that it no longer matters what the person actually said. In my mind I’ve got have the whole thing worked out, the back story, the reason that tone was used and even what is going to happen next, the problem is that it has nothing to do with the conversation that actually happened – just the part that I took away and moulded in the privacy of my head. I am like a sculptor of other people’s words – I form them into objects that never existed before.
I colour my conversations with my hang-ups. I listen with my neurosis and not my ears. I’m so damn sensitive.
So maybe I don’t want to be my husband at all – I just want to learn from him how to let stuff go because he’s really good at that.
Do you analyse your conversations after they’ve happened? Are you an over-sensitive communicator? Or should I be spending more time with you as well?
I too am very sensitive. My worst trait is thinking I am being excluded. Sometimes I am being excluded, but you know what I am also getting better at moving on from relationships where I am not being valued. I am trying to rectify my paranoia, while also working on building up my self worth. It’s a tricky balance.
Tricky indeed and I am so far from the balance if I had to live to achieve it I think I would live to be 789
Lana, I used to be like this but over the last 5 or so years I’ve changed. I didn’t make it a conscious thing, but I think I started to care less about what people thought. I’d take the best me on the day to a conversation or outing and that was that. Once you go home or finish the conversation it is over. Nothing to rehash, unless of course I got into an argument or if harsh words were said – then it was rehash a thousand times over. I think I have become more selfish but it’s probably been more a self preservation thing than anything else – replaying conversations over and over would send my anxiety soaring. xxx
You are right Annie because replaying conversations does get my anxiety soaring but I. Just. Can’t. Stop. Thank God I have the world’s best husband to talk me down xxx
I hear you! And I promise to try really hard to not rehash everything that is (or isn’t said) in this particular conversation too! I’ve been working really hard at learning how to not personalize conversations and indeed actions. I, like BigWords above, am way too sensitive & don’t even get me started on feeling excluded & moving on from the hurt of that particular little puppy!
One thing I will say – in all of our favours here – is that we over-sensitive and slightly over-analytical types make very good friends as we tend to live by the “do unto others” mantra, and therefore wouldn’t dream of hurting anyone by being misunderstood or miscommunicating.
I’ve told you before Lana – virtual sisters we are! And yes, you should be spending more time with me! Haha!
(PS Great post as always xx)
I would make the best friend ever – I am one part human and 99 parts sensitive.
I wish I could be spending more time with you !!!
I’ve been kvetsing about something for a few days. Trying to stop myself from reacting and causing an avalanche. I know that if it was my husband and not me dealing with this he wouldn’t even give it a second thought. The question is, will I be able to be my husband? 🙂
And no – don’t spend time with me – birds of a feather and all.
Oh Lauren, I spend half my life kvetsing about shit but I think kvetsing is a brilliant word and sums it up perfectly
If you we’re your husband, I doubt you’d have a blog, or want followers, or have any desire to share your internal battles. Maybe that’s fine, but I suspect we all do things for some pay-off we’re not prepared to give up.
I’m going to need him to explain this one to me – given that you know him better than any other person reading this blog I am sure it makes sense. Just not to me 😉
I over think things. I spend 40mins writing a 3 paragraph email. I say to much, I think about every word carefully.
But I don’t want to be my husband, who is so brief in personal emails you feel insulted.
He has too little emotion & I have to much. Some how we need to meet halfway
I over-think, over-communicate, over-analyse … I drive the people around me crazy. And frankly, it’s exhausting. But I’d rather be that way than the opposite.
You are my Michael.
I overthink things and probably always will. I don’t have a partner to ‘balance’ me or talk me down, and when I did, I probably drove them mad. I think your man sounds lovely and you obviously complement each other. And like Annie, I’m learning to worry less as I get older, maybe because I realise who and what really matters.
I am a sensitive soul from way back and used to analyse everyone’s tone/actions/words until I had turned everything upside down & inside out to suit the way I wanted the situation to be. Funnily enough, since I have met my hubby & had a family, then all that energy has gone into them. I still get the occasional moment of over-thinking, but have learnt to try not to let it take over.
You know it’s actually really nice and refreshing to be reading a piece that loudly and proudly praises the differences instead of lamenting them. Nice one Lana
They make them like that on Mars don’t they?
a hard thing to change, but its worth trying to just take people at face value. Assume people are good and take what they say as gospel. yes, sometimes you’ll be let down but for the most part you’ll save an immense amount of energy.
Actually, I wouldn’t mind being my wife. Without doubt she is the loveliest, kindest, most caring, sharing and forgiving person that I have ever met. She always goes out of her way to lend a helping hand to those who have wronged her in the past, and she does so without ever grumbling. She is generous and thoughtful. She is respectful of others.
Oh…..and her husband is not a bad fellow, either ! But don’t get her started on him ! 🙂