My heart on the left and my body on the right
The last week has been surreal. My body’s been doing its thing in Australia but it’s been without my heart. My heart is in South Africa, specifically in a hospital ward in Johannesburg where my father is recovering from open heart surgery.
In one way it’s a huge (albeit very selfish) relief not to be there and see my father, the strongest man in the world, with hundreds of tubes attached to him. We aren’t there now mainly because my dad and step-mom think we shouldn’t be right now. As soon as they give the word we will be. I’m not sure your eyes can ever erase the image of a person you love fighting to breathe. I know I can still see my baby on his ventilator as a newborn and he’s 12 and perfectly healthy now. Every time I speak to my step-mother I can hear just how hard it is for her to see the man she loves lying helpless on a bed, his body struggling to heal itself (with the aid of brilliant modern medicine).
And it seems so wrong to be so far away. So detached while still feeling so attached. It seems wrong for the world to be carrying on as normal while my father struggles to recover.
It feels like the sun shouldn’t be shining.
I should not be shopping or drinking coffee with friends or wasting my time on the internet.
I should not be counting down the days till we go to Europe.
I should not be sad about election results which ultimately are not going to change MY life
It feels wrong that everyone is carrying on oblivious to the fact that my father is in intensive care and my step-mother is spending her every waking moment taking care of her husband and my father while we carry on as if everything is the same.
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And the distance between us is highlighted by the fact that everything IS the same.
Every day I go about my day thousands of kilometres away from my dad and step-mom. Their nights are my days and their days are my nights.
I don’t know what they’re doing or thinking about the little stuff. The stuff that’s so important when you are family that love each other.
They don’t eat our alphabet dinners or get to come over for a meal once a week with the rest of the family and my dad doesn’t get to make ridiculous dad jokes in person – and believe me he is spectacularly good at dad jokes.
This living apart from people you love thing is the pits – when the person on one side of the world is sick, it’s just fucking awful.
Thank you for listening to me rant. And dad, if you ever read this please excuse me for swearing.
Rant away. I’ve been in the exact same position before with my dad and nanna. It is so, so hard to carry on and not feel guilty if you catch yourself smiling or enjoying a life. It’s such a surreal time and it’s very difficult watching other people do their everyday things without a care in the world–how can they know the pain you feel and the helplessness that haunts you? I hope your dad has a rapid recovery and I hope you can let yourself just be without blaming yourself for being so far away. I am sure he knows you are with him, even if it’s not physically.
Thank you for your very beautiful comment Alli xx
Swear away my friend. It’s a dreadful feeling and one I know well. Sending you much love and wishing your dad a smooth recovery x
xxxx
Oh Lana, what an awful awful time for you all. Much love and hugs to you. xxx
Thank you Leonie – yesterday we got the news that he has moved out of Intensive Care. I’m certainly smiling a lot more now xxx
I know it doesn’t help but my husband had a double-heart bypass a few years ago and he’s fighting fit now. I don’t know about your step-mum but I certainly found the time in the ICU straight after the operation the worst. Wishing your dad a rapid recovery and sending virtual hugs to you and your step-mum.
Thanks Janine
To be honest I think that the time in ICU is going to be harder on my step-mom than it is on my dad. He’s on drugs and she’s not! 😉 Her memory of this time will probably be more acute than his.
I’m so pleased to hear that your husband is fighting fit and I can’t wait to tell you the same about my dad. xx
Thinking of you Lana. So hard being away from family. So, so, hard. x
Thank you Lisa xxx Having all this support helps a lot
Oh Lana, wishing your whole family and especially your dad, some smooth sailing from here. I know what it’s like being so far away when someone you love or care deeply about is going through stuff. My oldest friend lives on the other side of the world. I couldn’t be there for her dad’s funeral, her baby’s funeral, her cancer or to help her when her two beautiful girls came into the world. So hard, even when you can speak whenever you like. xxx
Thanks Twitchy. It’s an indescribable loneliness being surrounded by people but not being able to be with the people in your heart xxxx