I grew up wanting to be a mother. I was the child who played with dolls, babied my cuddly toys and actually fantasised about soothing crying babies and changing nappies. I was the teenager who’d babysit anybody under ten, I studied education so that I could be a teacher and look after other people’s kids before I had my own.
Then I was the adult who struggled to have a baby and when my son was born my dreams came true. I became a mother.
Over the years I’ve been a stay-at-home mum, worked from home; held down a couple of part time jobs and worked for a few years in a very full time role. I’ve been the mum frantically searching for people to look after my son when I couldn’t be there and I’ve been the mother that’s looked after my friends’ kids while they are at work. I’ve been extraordinarily lucky.
I understand I’m talking from a place of great privilege in that I am able to make work decisions around my son rather than the other way. I realise how many people have no option. I also understand that for some people the option I choose makes them want to gag, but that’s okay because I am not asking for judgment, nor am I making judgment.
I don’t want my name in lights, I don’t want to look down from the top of a corporate ladder to watch my child play out his life without me in it. It doesn’t mean I wont let him grow up and be independent, it doesn’t mean I won’t have a full and meaningful life, it just means I am aware that I only have one shot at bringing up my child and that’s what I really want to do.
And what I realise as he grows up, is that it’s not just the very early years that count. Newspaper headlines scream to us of the need for improved childcare, more spaces, better funding, longer hours. You would be forgiven for thinking going back to work after having a baby is logistically the hardest part of motherhood. But those little kids grow up and the truth is that big kids still need to be taken care of, even if it’s in a different way.
Big kids still need to be picked up from school, they still need to get to afternoon sports. They still need a parent in their lives. At twelve you are not an adult and nor should you be treated as one. And as travel time becomes “dinner table time” (it’s where all the talking takes place) you want to do all the lifts you can.
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On the weekend I read a column about Collette Dinnigan and her decision to close down her fashion label. The column quoted Dinnigan as saying:
“I wasn’t doing my job or motherhood properly, ‘I like to do things at full-mast and I wasn’t prepared to be a mother at half-mast any more.
“It was an extremely intimate and genuine decision. I believe children need routines, consistency and assurance. These things don’t come from a textbook. They come from your gut, your heart and instinct. I need to be around much more to teach them these things.”
“My mother’s love was unconditional. She worked but I never once felt anything was more important to her than my brother and I. Or that she wasn’t around for us. It felt hypocritical to be working at my pace and expecting the same outcome with my own kids.”
Good on you Collette Dinnigan’s for not preaching about how hard you work to balance it all. Because you can’t have it all. That’s not to say you can’t be a brilliant mother and work full time, of course you can. But you can’t have it all.
I often get told I’ll regret my decision to dedicate so much of my life to being a parent, that when my son leaves home I’ll have nothing left, I’ll be lonely and regret my life “wasted”. I laugh at that idea a lot. It’s not like I’m home waiting for him while tapping my feet on the floorboards to his favourite tune. I work from home, I have my own interests, I have friends, I have a life – he just happens to be the most important part of it.
Yes, I am sacrificing some career choices but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with fitting in with a stereotypical maternal role because I fit so well and I’m okay with my decision being a thousand shades of different from yours – let’s just get rid of this great 21st century myth of having it all.
Well written. Well said. Well…everything Lana! Again…
I left my day job in 2004 for similar reasons. I had health issues and just returned to work after yet another surgery. I was trying to juggle production meetings with school pick-ups. Then my son got sick. Really scary-type sick. That was just the wake-up call I needed. Who comes first? Channel Seven or my family?
No prizes for guessing which I chose… xx
We really need to meet – we have too much in common not to. Hope you are feeling stronger every day xx
Lana, I really admire you too for the choices you’ve made… the truth is, there’s no “right” choice. Everyone should do what they think is best for them, and that, to me, is always the right decision. When you start making decisions based on what you think other people expect you to do, that’s when you start making mistakes – I know that from personal experience…
So, Good on you Collette, and Good on you Lana!
🙂 xx
Damn right there’s no right choice. What works for one person wouldn’t necessarily work for another, I did make that mistake too. Glad we are both over our mistakes!
As the mum of two teenager daughters, 16 & 13, I have been surprised at how much they still need you as teenagers. It’s very different to when they were little but it’s still important. I find being available is really key to keeping the communication going. I really think it’s vital that women have honest conversations about the pros and cons of the choices we’ve made over the years, because I truly believe that’s how we’ll make it better for the next generation. I also think a key factor in progressing is making the issues of childcare/working/life balance into family or parenting issues not women’s issues. I also think if both men and women are lobbying for more flexible work options it will benefit everyone, with children and without. Because everybody at some time has some private situation that requires flexibility be it health issues, elderly parents or just wanting some time out for study or travel.
As for the choices made, everyone has the right to opt in/out or roundabloodybout, whatever works for the individual and their family and there shouldn’t be a judgement attached either way.
Thank you for your very excellent comment – such good point about it being a parenting issue rather than a woman’s issue. But in my case the truth is my husband was earning significantly more than I was because he had never left the work force to have a child and because he has a high pressure job that is remunerated better than mine ever was, For him to take time off at considerable cost not just financially but for his mental health (the pressure build up when he is not at work is ridiculous) just doesn’t warrant him doing school pick ups etc.
As you say everyone has to do what works for them and their families
This is something I am contemplating with J starting Kindy next year 5 days a fortnight. Right now he is in daycare 5 days a week and that works for us because (bless his soul) he wakes up at 5.30am when I do so we hang out in the morning before work … and we hang out in the afternoon/evenings after work.
But next year when he is at school and will have different needs and will be there different hours to daycare … that will be interesting to navigate. I guess that is where the unparalleled flexibility of having your own business comes to the fore. Yes I am always on the computer at night after both kids have gone down to sleep. But being able to see them and be there for them in the afternoons and on weekends … priceless.
The flexibility of owning your own business is always accompanied by the inability to just walk away after “business hours”. But there is plenty reward as well and the flexibility is something that will see you through the school years with ease. As I said in the post and Kerri outlines below, that ability to choose is the greatest privilege we have as parents. I am sure you feel as lucky as I do
It’s a conversation we’ve been having a lot in our house recently, as after 3 years at home, or working part time hours to be there for her after school, I’m about to head back into a corporate big job.
I know that nothing replaces her time with me, I know I will always feel a sense of loss at not being the one to pick her up from school. But I also know she needs a lot of therapy, support and a tailored education to be the best she can be – and that means we have to pay for it!
So back I go. Grateful this new job can provide an income sufficient for a Nanny and grateful for the years I’ve had while she settled into primary school.
You are spot on – we can’t do it all, so we make the best choices we can with the information and options we have available at the time. xx
You know it’s not about replacing your time with her because you will always make time for her. You are doing everything you can to make her life happy and fulfilled – nobody could ask for more of a parent. xxxx
Keep us posted about the new job – sounds exciting!
You are absolutely correct, there is no one right answer. Not for any one person, and it changes depending on the stages in your children’s lives. I’ve also been lucky to have the flexibility to change from more demanding roles to lesser ones as it suited my children’s schedules.
I loved my job but as my family all live in faraway places, and I had no support, I decided that full time wasn’t going to work for me. I was sad to leave, but there was a silver lining. I found the career that I was even more suited for and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
It is so individual. We need to make the choices that suit us best at the time. Without judgement!
I think your last lines just sum it up completely. But there is no denying how lucky we are to have those choices because there are thousands of parents who don’t have that luxury xx
I think you made a really important point, and that is that you had the choice. I also had the choice of working from home – thank god, because I would have found it too difficult to be away from my kids all day. I have tremendous sympathy for women who would like to be home more, but can’t because financial circumstances force them back to work earlier (or for longer hours) than they wish.
Never mind the luxury of being with my son, I have the biggest luxury of all – in that I have choice. I understand I am in the very fortunate minority
That is inspirational! I love it when people can just come out and say it – there…I can’t do it all. We have had a fantastic balance lately, with me working full time fro home while my husband cares for our babies. We have been extraordinarily lucky to be able to make enough to live off, and not have to outsource care. I can’t imagine how anyone could run a huge fashion label, and be a mum. So much busyiness. x
Isn’t it Zanni? I have heard so many women giving advice on how they juggle and how they fit it all in, I’ve also seen what goes on behind the scenes and … frankly I am so grateful when people (especially those in the spotlight) admit that sometimes it’s just too hard.
We are indeed fortunate to have the choice xxx
Lana I am onboard 100% with everything you have said here. Fatty & I decided early on that come hell or high water one of us would always be home with the kids. Even if it meant home brand/no holidays/ bonkers schedules. I don’t regret a single day and the Bouverie centre who helps us now has commented how resilient our kids are.
Now I have a house full of teens I still find they need me just as much just in a different way. Making choices either way is tricky and I’m glad you have made the one that feels good for you.
(Sorry if this is all waffle I’m trying to type in my silly phone)
I loved this, and I was one of those children you used to babysit, I was very small, but remember loving you. I always feel the pull to get all the things done I want to do, whilst putting mothering first, it can be tough, but is so rewarding.
I am learning to let a lot of stuff go for now, time will come when my babies will need me less and less, right now my love and input counts most or maybe not most, time will tell, but a lot.
Thank you and well done.
I think that is ‘having it all’, being able to make your own choices, whether that is balancing family and career, being a full time parent or a career woman. I have made the same choices as you but with foundations of a career that I can do at the same time, like you. Sometimes, I regret the accusation that I don’t have a career but then I look at my kids and I’m proud to have been there for their stepping stones. Great post, Lana.
I love your comment that you have a life- it’s just that he is the most important thing in it. I dislike the notion that if you prioritise your life around maximum time with your kids you are somehow waiting around all day for them to get home- that’s certainly not what I do either. And I think most parents relate to the idea that their child/ren are the most important part of their lives, we just each have different scenarios that enable us to express that fully, and some have more choice in the way they can do that. For me, being the best mum I can be means not trying to spread myself too thin. Even within this admittedly privileged ability to choose to do this, as another commenter mentioned there is a limited amount to actual “choice” due to the constraints placed on working people by society, and I agree that if everyone- women, men, parents and non parents- were able to slow down and work more flexibly, all of society would benefit.
Here’s my blog post with my two cents’ worth FYI http://www.thesarahkatemonologues.blogspot.ca/2013/05/the-choices-we-make.html
Oh Lord – Sarah I loved every word of your post. So eloquently worded. The concept of choice is such an interesting one but reading words like yours really made me feel validated in my choice. xxx