I am navigating parenting a teen in much the same way a party goer navigates a breathaliser test on the way home from a big night, dodgily swerving about and praying for the best while trying to keep everyone safe. And alive
I recently read a line from a book that I am dying to read when it is published in 2015 . The book, Love in the Time of Contempt written by the immensely talented Joanne Fedler, sums up pretty much how I am feeling with the line “Childbirth is never over. We are always birthing them, letting go of them, giving them to the world”
And so it is for me that every age and stage of Little Pencil’s life is a brand new (and frankly sometimes terrifying) experience. Now I have never been one to read baby and child rearing books because god knows I hate being to what to do and I positively loathe being told how to parent, but I like the sound of Joanne’s book because it’s about her experience more than it is an instruction manual and I do like to know how other parents are handling this stage they call the teenage years.
Further to knowing more about these bumpy years, I recently went to the most valuable and affirming talk on parenting teenagers. The talk was given by my beautiful friend and over-the-top brilliant psychologist Dani Klein and it wasn’t just because I love her that I found her talk so inspiring. What I loved is that she gave us, between many, many, many laughs, an insight into how the teenage brain works and thinks. She helped us understand that our teen’s sometimes confounding and hideous behavior is normal and, although she didn’t say this in her own words, if nobody dies in the process, we will get through it.
So I’m lucky, I’m surrounded by knowledge and experience and I have some insight into my son’s developing pre-frontal cortex. But I’m still trying to navigate my way in between the peer pressure, my own needs as a helicopter parent and the safety of my child. Oh and of course I am factoring in Little Pencil’s needs and happiness of course and it aint easy.
I’m pretty confident in the decisions we make as parents and I think our son is turning out to be a fan-bloody-tastic human being with compassion, kindness, humour and smarts but I am bloody stumped by the beach.
We have recently moved house and are closer to the beach. When I say closer I mean walking distance closer. And it’s been hot. And Little Pencil thinks he should be wiling away his days in the surf. Without his mother of course.
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He thinks he should be allowed to go to alone to the beach with his mates and by alone I mean without a parent. It feels wrong to me. When he asks me why he’s not allowed to go I actually can’t explain it.
I am not worried about the people at the beach – stranger danger is not a theory I subscribe to and I believe that he is perfectly safe from predators and men in white vans (or speedos). But I worry about the hugeness of the ocean and the strength of the waves.
In my rational mind I know that my being at the beach would not make even the smallest difference because I am a worse swimmer than he is and, if he was in the water and God forbid, something happened to him I would probably not even be aware let alone be able to help him.
He tells me that all his friends are allowed to go to the beach by themselves but most of their parents tell me otherwise. He is only 13. He has a long life at the beach (and away from it) ahead of him.
He is very much still a child albeit a teenage child. He still needs a parent and guidance and lifts and to be loved and to be shown wrong from right. He still needs boundaries and parental involvement in his life. I refuse to believe that 13 is old enough to be left to just make your way – of course he has independence and he’s better with a bus timetable than people twice his age but does he need to go to the beach by himself?
Tell me, beach-city dwellers, when did you go to the beach by yourself ? What age would you allow your kids to go swimming at the beach completely unattended?
Hmm that’s a good question. I think when I was 15 was when I started to going to the beach with my friends by myself. I do kinda think 13 is a little too young! But I reckon it comes down more to Little P’s friends than anything (ie more than the trust/comfort levels you have for him). If you don’t feel that, as a group, they are sensible enough to be down there by themselves … then he’ll have to wait. (Sorry Little Pencil!)
And wait he will. Still so young – his brain isn’t finished brewing yet 😉
We’re going to face this as we have a beach house. I tend to think 14-15 depending on how strong a swimmer they are and how easily swayed vs sensible they are.
Oops – I think he is more easily swayed than sensible 😉 x
The first thought to come to mind is, what does your intuition say? Based upon your parenting style and choices, the answer for you will be very different than the answer for me. Intuition is usually correct and you know your own comfort in your parenting choices. What do you feel in your body is the best answer for you and your child?
You’re right. And he’s not going to the beach on his own just yet! x
I’m not a parent, but I am a strong swimmer and a big sailor/surfer etc… And I still get into sticky situations ALL THE TIME, despite my knowledge of the ocean. Things change so quickly, wind picks up, gusts kick in. I nearly got swept to New Zealand when I was out on my paddle board at Maroubra the other day. So unless he is only swimming between the flags with a bunch of other people, or with at least a few friends who are really strong swimmers, I would say no!!
ALWAYS between the flags. Always. xxx
My sister and I started swimming at Parnel Beach on the East coast of Auckland when we were toddlers. Every spring, summer till autumn mum had us roasting on the sand and dupping (kiwi accent) into the deep blue. It was a constant ritual that ingrained into one of my own parenting habits.
Squirt’s first visit to Bondi was at 10 days old.
I sat planted under my Certified tent, cooing to the sea breeze and sleeping babe for 8 consecutive summers.
Of course learning to swim was a priority for him as early as 2 yrs old and gratefully he took to water like a duck. He’s a strong swimmer, confident and aware of change in the sea.
More importantly I’M comfortable with him going to the beach without parent supervision. He knows how far to go out, not to eat and swim and the basic rules in safe swimming.
However, he’s still a kid about to turn 13 in a couple of months and that does not mean I don’t worry about him when he’s out and about.
I trust that when he’s with his mates (and certainly the boys I know), they look after each other. The code of adolescent brotherhood and being part of a group of kids that feel and are responsible for each other.
I take for granted that my child knows how to behave in a group and in public.
I place the privilege of being alone in the same basket as being accountable for the choices he makes. It’s not rocket science, it’s a little at a time, the synchronicity of when it’s the right time can sneak up or smack us in the chops.
As far as my feelings are about him swimming without parent supervision …… Absolutely!
Excellent comment – but for the next six months at least your Squirt wont be accompanying mine to the beach (unless I’m there) xxxx
I like hearing these discussions well before I need to make similar choices – gives me time to think about it (my older child is approaching 10, so a little while to go before I need to make similar decisions, plus he’s super cautious, and therefore the opposite of his younger sister. His friends, however, are not as cautious – so that’s something I hadn’t considered). Hope you resolve something that you are all comfortable with. And thanks too for alerting me to Joanne’s book – I loved ‘When Hungry eat’ so I will look out for this new one!