It is a truism I have learned through my time writing online that if you write angry you get angry back in return. If you write with empathy you usually get understanding. Being that I am not very good at dealing with anger directed my way, I have always tried to veer away from writing heatedly, not to reduce my passion (because why would I write if I had no passion) but not to be too closed so that I can’t hear another point of view and not to be too irate so that others can’t hear what I am trying to say.
Often it seems, I fail.
A week or so ago I wrote a post on my Facebook page about public shaming. About people airing private correspondence online and particularly about a case that so many people hailed as brave, courageous and “awesome” in which a woman published a letter from a man she had dated explaining to her that he didn’t want to date her anymore because she was fatter than he liked. He worried that he would not be able to “perform” because his body simply wouldn’t respond to a body type he wasn’t comfortable with. According to so many female dominated websites (and Sharpest Pencil Facebook followers) she was pointing out abuse or intimidation, calling out men that threatened women or were incendiary or inflammatory. Some people believed that calling out men in this manner would be a step towards combatting emotional abuse further down the track. I applaud anything that calls out abuse of any form. I just don’t know that shaming people does that…
I tried to put my point forward, perhaps rather clumsily, in saying that I don’t think it’s ever okay to publish private correspondence written between two consenting adults. Kerri wrote about the same thing on her blog which you should read here because she is much more eloquent and is gooder with the words than me.
But back to my Facebook post. It generated a lot of discussion, and what’s worse, a lot of anger. It seems I upset a lot of people with my opinion because it was different from theirs, I got angry comments, I got Facebook unfollows and even “unfriended” by a Facebook friend.
I am still in the dark as to the anger though. As I understood it they were angry that he pointed out that he didn’t like fat women and he had written her a “charming” note explaining it. And so, a week or so later I am trying to revisit this without the anger. On either side.
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I’ve never been attracted to blonde men, it doesn’t mean I don’t have blonde friends or that I hate all blondes – if I were dating I would simply not seek out blonde men. And if someone said you should meet xxx and they described him as blonde, I would say “I’m not into blonde men” and everyone would be cool with that. If however she described him as fat and I said “I’m not into fat men” I would ostensibly become the antichrist. Because saying you aren’t attracted to fat people is not okay, at least that’s what I understood from the fallout of my post (which I have clearly been thinking about for days) . I just don’t understand the logic behind it.
I still maintain that publishing a letter someone has written to you in a mutual consensual relationship is juvenile and ugly. Ugly in a way that is discriminatory and belittling, not in a way that simply says – I am not attracted to you. I can’t see that shaming a person is encouraging acceptance in any way.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I’d still love to hear your (non angrily expressed) views…
And here’s a video Kerri and I did on shaming a while ago. If you can explain why the still is the wrong way round, I would also love that.
I was part of that Facebook conversation last week…I’d agreed with you and the angry replies continued following that.
I think we all have our preferences when it comes to attraction. Whether that’s shallow or not,I don’t know. I know personally, I am not attracted to fat men or even extremely muscular men (footy player types) and to certain cultura groups. In no way does that mean I don’t have friends from those cultural groups, it’s just a preference when it comes to attraction and sleeping with someone.
It is a worry that people are using public shaming as a way to call someone out…there are better ways to deal with it as adults. If someone calls you fat and you don’t like it, do it the adult way and confront them to their face.
I guess the question is, where do you draw the line? Are we going to see teachers being publicly shamed for disciplining students? Or parents? Or flat mates shaming one another publicly because rules are not followed? It’s a slippery slope…
Great comment – thanks Sanch. It is indeed a slippery slope and I can’t help feeling like public shaming (like public whipping of yesteryear) does nothing but cause pain and anguish. I am sure that now that her 15 minutes of fame is over, even the woman who published the letter feels no better now.
Now I will have to go read them replies who are these cranky people?
I think it was ok to post the letter on her blog as long as it was anonymous and the person was not publically shamed.
After one date you do not know someone an explanation of your reason for not wanting to continue dating. You just have to say while your enjoyed your self you not really feeling a romantic connection not that your so unattractive to me I will not be able to get it up.
I also think type casting people and avoid dates based on looks at all is a bit shallow- attraction can sometimes build AFTER you can see the soul of the person . I would Not be married to my wonderful husband it I stuck to dating the types I am physically attracted to. Sure if your not feeling it after a few dates then move on but gently without the explicit note outplaying the exact points that are unattractive .
This does not deserve angry and defriending as a response to a differce of oppinion, Those people are crazy. Your fabulous and do not deserve angry!
I just don’t know about the adulation she received for sharing his correspondence – imagine he had written an open letter on the internet about how he didn’t like her because she was fat? She would have achieved a lot more in talking about her experience rather than relaying it word for word, it just seems like such an invasion of privacy to me. I guess though, if that had happened, she would not have “gone viral.”
But I agree with what you say about the shallowness of attraction and he could have ended the relationship with a simple – let’s be friends.
xxxx
PS Thanks for your kind words
I’ve never been comfortable with how people use social media (be it Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or their own blogs) to shame people OR make a point, it’s an invasion of privacy which is happening more often and it’s not okay.
I commented on a post this past week about leggings not being pants. Attached to the post were various images of different women, all doing the aforementioned ‘crime’ of wearing leggings as pants. These women were just regular ladies going about their business and it looked like their images were taken and then used, without their knowledge and it didn’t sit right with me. They were shamed for their attire. As a bigger gal, I live in fear of someone taking my photo while I’m out to plaster all over the internet. Plus, I’m still trying to work out how it is ANYONE elses business what you decide to wear out of the house on any particular day? Don’t like what someone is wearing? Easy, don’t look at them again.
I read both the original letter to Michelle and her reply. While his original letter obviously wasn’t at all nice, I didn’t think it was in anyway abusive at all. Did it prove him to be a bit of dick? Yes. Did it show him up to be abusive? No.
And I should clarify, that I don’t think he IS a dick for feeling how he feels, we’re all wired differently, which means we will find different things and people attractive and there is nothing wrong with that. What made him a dick was going into actual detail about why he wasn’t attracted to Michelle and feeling the need to tell her that he wasn’t attracted to her after just one date. A simple, “I think we’d be better as friends” would have been just fine.
I’ve said to Guv that I would hate to be growing up today with social media as prevalent as it is. Bullying was bad enough when I was at school without social media, now? Total nightmare. However it’s not just limited to kids these days, more and more adults are participating in bullying, shaming and invading people’s (particularly people that they don’t even know!) privacy via social media, this case is just the latest example.
Agreed, his response was over the top and the response as you wrote it would have been perfect.
The shaming people for how they dress or how they look is horrific and I agree with you completely – if you don’t like torn jeans or leggings or polka dot cardigans don;t wear them – but shut up when it comes to other people wearing them xxx
Yeh Lana I agreed last week about how I wouldn’t have published his letter…all’s fun in love and first dates, until someone chucks a wobbly and then it gets out of hand. I think the whole PC brigade has taken over the asylum.
I don’t understand the whole, ‘maybe I shouldn’t say that cos it might offend someone’, and maybe that’s cos I am not some lunatic KKK member sprouting allsorts of hate. I just want to be able to have an opinion and to be able to say it out loud, not AT people, just say it.
So here goes.
I don’t like men who don’t laugh out loud, raucously and rudely.
I am very round woman, skinny people make me feel hungry.
I cringe when I see someone getting on a plane with a baby or infant or small child.
Because of my own odd brand of madness I can’t bear to watch someone load up a fork full of all sorts of different food and stuff it into their gobs. ( I like a plate of food where nothing touches)
Most Head Teachers I have worked for lack imagination and integrity and a fundamental interest in children and education.
See I could go on and on, and am bound to upset great swathes of the population. But I should be able to speak.
It’s just my opinion. I am not gonna get a gun and make a sign and shoot up into a crowd, anytime I feel there is disagreement. It’s just my opinion.
So Lana if you don’t fancy blondes that’s ok by me. And just cos I am blonde – or at least used to be, I am not offended, I don’t take it personally. So a bloke doesn’t like fat gals, that’s ok too.
There is no accounting for taste, if we all liked the same thing or thought the same things it would be a dull old world huh?
I just love your comment so much I want to print it out to cheer me up whenever I need it. Instead I subscribed to your blog xxx
Oh ta very much. Glad that you got a little smile.
Brilliant! Love it! Xx
I still maintain he couched his nasty and cruel comments in supposedly nice words. If the word ‘adore’ could come across with more nastiness and sarcasm, I haven’t seen it yet. He is a nasty piece of work and he wanted to hurt her and he did. Had I received that missive I might had been immediately tempted to share it with the world also (if I knew how to do that, which I don’t – be thankful, be very thankful that I am a computer illiterate!) I might have been so hurt by his cruelty, couched in ‘kind and adoring words’ that I would have shared it with everyone I knew and then some. But in the cold hard light of day, there has been cruelty on both sides and she could have been the better person by not sharing this cruel letter from this cowardly ‘man’.
I’m blonde. Please still love me.
I will always love you Ang, I just wont want to have sex with you. Mind you, if you dyed your hair brown… xxxx
Perhaps the fat issue became a slur because people seem to believe universally that you can do something about fat, whereas one can’t really help being blond/e can you…. Just my thought. On the posting of a personal letter that is plain trashy.