A couple of days ago I posted an update about a mum who has been accused of deliberately harming her daughter . The story appeared on the 7:30 report and has since been published in various media outlets both in Australia and globally.
It’s the kind of story that will always make people feel strongly. A child is allegedly being harmed and a mother has being charged with the offence. It sits comfortably with no one.
When I posted about the case I never named the mum nor tried or convicted her, but I did wonder about the wisdom of chronicling your child’s life for the rest of the world to read. I guess I need to accept that people do that although I will never understand why.
What I didn’t expect in the response were so many people, both in comments on the post and through private messages, asking me to have sympathy and understanding for the mother. I understand she has not been found guilty, although she has been charged and will stand trial in early December. I understand that the stress she must be under must be enormous and yes, the entire episode is ridiculously tragic and I am sure she has her own side to the allegations.
But the comments brought up a wider area of thought for me and my friend Kerri Sackville.
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Before Adrian Bayley was found guilty of killing Jill Meagher did we ask people to go easy on him, did we urge people to think about his feelings before his conviction? Perhaps that case is too strong. the evidence against him too damning. But do we ever hear a story about a person being harmed and immediately silence our thoughts because the person suspected of doing the harm might not be mentally strong at the time?
Why is it different if the person is a mother?
I am not here to debate the story of the “mummy blogger” who is alleged to have harmed her child. Not at all – but I would love you to hear what Kerri and I have to say in the video below and let us know what you think
Please remember that this conversation is NOT about the person in question, we don’t know enough to talk about her specific case.
I think you hit the nail on the head Lana when you said that we just don’t want to believe a mother could harm her child while being mentally well. I guess society has told us that women are maternal and that the bond is stronger than what a man feels for their child. So a woman who bucks that trend must have something wrong with her. However I do think that a person who knowingly physically harms another person does have something missing mentally. I don’t think they are necessarily mentally ill, but that they lack the part of the brain that says ‘this is wrong’.
I completely agree with you, Kerri & Tegan. Tegan I wonder if they are missing out on empathy? I know some people who really struggle to ever put themselves in another person’s shoes to feel the feels they do. That said not everyone who lacks empathy races around and harms people but then maybe they do in little ways I don’t know. I know that my heart feels so heavy for all the people involved. The little child that is no longer with her mother, the mother having to defend her actions that are now before the court, their wider family, their immediate and real life friends, the charities that may now question their involvement with anyone and the people that this could impact in the future, the people who may have put their faith and trust in things she wrote the list is too long really. But mostly I just feel sad for the little girl who’s life has been turned upside and everything she knows is gone.
I have no idea who they are and I actually think for that I am very glad.
C xoxo
I agree Tegan, I think people who harm their kids intentionally are not of sound mind but I think we have to be careful with using mental illness as “an excuse” because as you and I well know – many people with mental illness are excellent care givers, and yes Cathy – I too feel terribly sad for everyone involved
Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome IS a mental illness and it is IS child abuse (or elder abuse in some cases) and IS a criminal act. As a mother/grandmother and sufferer of mental illness myself (chronic depression/PTSD), I have no trouble in labelling this condition for what it is. People, almost always women, with munchausen by proxy cause immense suffering and often death to their victims.
People with mental illness are far more likely to be the victim of abuse/violence/crime than the perpetrator. But tragically the person with Munchausen by proxy is the perpetrator of evil.
Hopefully the publicity surrounding this case will raise awareness in the community and help save innocent lives.
Perhaps cases of Munchausen Syndrome (Belle Gibson possibly) and Munchausen by Proxy will become more prevalent as documenting ones life on the internet becomes even more common.
Will be interesting to see statistics in years to come.
Of course Munchausen is a mental illness but to say that it can be brought on by the stress of living with a sick or disabled child is not accurate, nor is it fair on the millions of parents with or without mental illness who take brilliant care of their children.
In my view the the documenting of someone else’s life may also one day be considered some kind of narcism by proxy. One wonders whether it adds fuel to the diagnosis of munchausen because of the amount of support a parent can get online…. Pretty frightening stuff
I certainly did not say that Munchausen by proxy can be brought on by the stress of living with a sick or disabled child! Nor do I believe that to be true. I am appalled that you may have construed that from my comment.
As a parent who suffers from a mental illness, and as the mother of a disabled child who is now an adult, I have the utmost empathy for all parents who are struggling to obtain and provide care to a child who is ill or has a disability.
Sorry if I misconstrued what you said. I think I was talking more generally about people saying that what this woman did was brought on by the stress of living with a sick child. the point I was trying to make (rather clumsily as it turns out) was that it should not be the first diagnosis thrown at someone who harms their child – it IS a real illness but it doesn’t mean that everyone with a sick child falls pray to it.
I wanted to show my strong support for women with mental illness who do support sick kids and make sure that it is known far and wide that mental illness does not mean a mother will hurt their child
And yes I agree with you. As I said in my previous comment, I wonder if, and it is indeed a frightening possibility, that the incidence of this disorder will become more prevalent with the internet allowing people to obtain attention even notoriety, support, sympathy, empathy and even financial reward through ‘blogging’ about others who cannot give their consent.
I believe it is an invasion of privacy and could perhaps be a form of child abuse in itself to blog extremely personal details about a child with an illness or disability in an open forum when the child cannot give informed consent.
I fully expect to get slammed for that comment, but there are closed forums available to allow parents to get advice, help and support. I’m sure others will disagree, but we need to be very protective of our precious children and be mindful that once something is put on the internet it is there to stay and we have no control over how the content will be used.
Thank you Lana for acknowledging that you had misconstrued my comment.
I think we need to be cognisant of the fact that Muchausen by Proxy is a rare condition and one that is not caused by “the stress of living with an ill or disabled child”. Hopefully your readers will be motivated to do some research themselves.
I am heartened that you wish to use your media platform to support women who suffer from mental illness. Unfortunately, in my personal experience, it is even harder to advocate on your own behalf and that of your ill child when you suffer from a mental illness.
My son became desperately ill before he was finally diagnosed with a serious medical condition which had been previously attributed by doctors as due to him having an “anxious mother”.
My son did not cause my mental illness, and my mental illness did not cause my son’s disability or his illnesses.
We all need to advocate on behalf of everyone’s children to keep them safe from harm.
I agree with what you have said and am so grateful that you have. I am utterly sick of people taking every horrific act as an opportunity to blame the mentally ill. They’re demonizing us just as surely as someone hurling ignorant insults.
And yes, an insanity plea is about a momentary break, a hideous instant that is utterly out of character. A prolonged attack is not a sudden break due to stress. It is a lifestyle.
Yes we of course need compassion, but compassion for the victim also. They have not done anything to drive someone to abuse them
Victim blaming is wrong, especially of a child.
So I agree an attempt at understanding is helpful but not at the expense of shaming mentally ill people for things most don’t do, or of blaming the victim. I found that aspect really upsetting myself.
Thanks Robin, I know we are on the same page here
I honestly have no answers on everything, but your chat is very thought provoking.
Thanks Kez
I think you are right that we see crimes through gendered lenses and through our own experience of like situations. I also think you are right that (thankfully) most people who suffer stress or have a mental illness do not harm others. As far as I know, mothers or fathers who are diagnosed with Munchhausens by proxy and are found guilty of harming their kids are also still liable for their crimes, just like someone with depression etc. However on sentencing , their mental illnesses are taken into account. On “evil” – gosh that’s a big question and hard to define – for me it’s a “I know it when I see it” thing – so probably a bit subjective. One thing I do feel strongly about though is protecting the justice system, and hope people will not convict and sentence people online. My heart goes out to the family involved and the child, whatever the outcome; this allegation would have enormous consequences. I think we should take care if we can, not to amplify those consequences online. Thanks for asking me to contribute x
with Munchhausens
My heart also goes out to the family – especially the young child. I don’t think anyone sought to convict her online, no names were mentioned, no details provided that are not already available (and the fact that she blogged every detail of her child’s life means many details ARE available) but in the same breath I can’t see why we should be affording her support above anything else. To be honest – and this will not affect her legal outcome, I offer her no support – but her family, I wish them only health and strength