The story of my incredible pain

body pump classYesterday morning I woke up with no real aches and pains to speak of – which is quite fortunate at my age. Also quite rare. It was good but there was a nagging voice in my head reminding me that I had been promising myself to find such an ache free day to go to a Body Pump class at the gym for the last 145 Mondays.

Pump is my favourite gym class. I get to use the present tense although I hadn’t been for about ten years, simply because it’s still my favourite class. Also the only class I have attended since I was 16.

It focuses on low weight loads and high repetition movements and covers all the major muscle groups one upbeat track at a time. It’s a great class because you don’t have time to get bored or too tired – as soon as the track changes you move onto another muscle group and then you just have to get to the end of that song – and huzzah you’re done.

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“I want this place looking like Disney on Ice”

I am that person you mock, the clean freak (with respect to vegetable growers and Michelle Bridges) who is checking over my shoulder as I open the front door to invite you in, the woman you never want to invite into your own home after you have seen me complaining about the mess in my (very neat) home.

I know it’s a problem for some, but I just can’t help being a bit fastidious about cleanliness.

I haven’t been for any form of therapy for my particularly tidy ways around the house (although I am keen to get to the bottom of why everyone doesn’t behave like I do) but I do know that my issue with cleanliness is based on having a sense of order around me. Ordered house, ordered head. Mr Pencil will be quick to point out that apparently I don’t need an ordered head to drive a car. Let’s just say the cleanliness obsession stops at the front door. [Read more…]

Why is the instructor telling us to breathe? Has someone forgotten to breathe?

For about 30 years now I have been thinking about going to yoga. I have given it 30 years thought because I don’t like to rush into things. Okay that’s not true – I just don’t like to rush into yoga. Actually I was a little afraid of it. I thought it would be boring and that I would either fall asleep or walk out because I have the attention span of a tiny little gnat with attention deficit disorder.

But I had to try it, I don’t have another 30 years to think about it. This point was made clear to me when I recently subscribed to Lena Dunham’s new newsletter Lenny and read an article entitled “Why You Should Start Exercising in Your 20’s”.  Trace Anderson, who wrote the article  even said “waiting to exercise later in life, when our metabolism slows down and being fit requires more work, is no longer an option”. Clearly I am in the wrong demographic for this newsletter but still… I  can’t say it didn’t spur me on.

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I’m counting every step I take (and it is as boring as it sounds)

For a person who hates numbers as much as I do I am a bit obsessed with them. You could say I have a bit of an obsession with counting while at the same time harbouring a deep and genuine hatred for any form of mathematics or sentences containing numbers. It’s a constant battle in my head between calming myself with sequences and loathing the thought of numbers swilling about in my head.

And, even though some would try to teach me not to rely on the repetition of words between one and one hundred, the listing of numbers in chronological order brings me a great sense of comfort. It’s my “coping mechanism”, my crutch – it’s also my fixation and possibly one of the only things that really motivates me to exercise.

The pursuit of sequences and the attention to changing numbers and reaching predetermined goals used to ensure that my main form of exercise was the treadmill. I can stay on the treadmill for hours 40 minutes reaching all sorts of makeshift goals – one more km (counted down in metres) or 10 more minutes (counted down in one minute increments of course). I can run for another two minutes and then walk for three – every single step measured against an achievable number. It’s kept me treadmill fit for years.

But now, thanks to my newest obsession with fitness trackers, I am finally being released from my one-meter space at the gym and I am unleashing my counting and goal setting all over the place.

I bought myself a FitBit after much research and agonising and borrowing of my son’s Nike Fuel Band. At first I was only interested in counting my steps. It was all about getting to 10 000 steps in a day. But that turned out to be a bit too simple – the early morning walk with Fluffy Pencil takes care of at least 5 000 steps so by 7am I am half way there. It’s been upped to 15 000. 20 000 on a day that I go back to the treadmill.

But I quickly learned there is so much that a middle-aged hypochondriac with a FitBit can obsess over. When my husband asks me how I slept the night before I can bring up a graph to show him in detail. I understand that this can seem boring but I have very restless nights so my graphs are quite lovely to look at – I just have to convince anyone other than myself of that fact.

I can track my heart rate at any time – and I do. I have discovered that the doctor was right, my heart does beat a little fast – cue a million other things to worry about which in turn will cause my heart to beat faster, but niftily I can watch that rise.

I can map the route that I walk to bore people with at a later stage, see how many steps that walk was, what my heart was doing during all that step taking and how many calories I burned. In fact I can see how many calories I have burned over a day and I can compare that to how many I have eaten – the difference is not currently pointing to any weight loss. Damn.

I can see how many kilometres I’ve walked in a day, how many flights of stairs I’ve climbed and I can even track how much water I drink. Unfortunately I haven’t worked out how to set the alarm and I find it a bit irritating as a watch, but who needs time when you can track your heart beats per minute over a period of seven days?
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Since I got this nifty device I have parked further from my destination, I have walked to places I would normally drive to and I have studied my sleep in the way that only a person who actually understands sleep cycles would normally do.

It would be all good except for one thing – I have become a total bore.

Today over breakfast I found myself telling someone what my heart rate was, how many hours I slept last night and how many steps I had taken this morning. Worse than that was when I actually showed her in graph form. I would have seen her eyes glaze over but I was to busy looking at how many calories I had burned.

Do you wear a fitness tracker? How many steps do you do in a day?

PS Just reread this post and it reads like it was sponsored by FitBit – it’s not but if they want to pay me I will happily put the data into a nifty graph on my dashboard.

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My huge communication problem

I have a major communication problem which is clearly a big issue for someone who works in communication.

I am fine on text, not brilliant because I prefer a keyboard with a bit more, how you say – size. I am great on email and because I am rather er, organised I am pretty good at returning emails as well as actually starting a conversation happening electronically.  I use Facebook with a relentless ardour, I don’t manage to go to long without checking Twitter and every time anything happens (like I eat or my dog moves) I snap it on Instgram.  But the phone is where my whole communication breakdown occurs.

I positively hate phoning people (except you know if you are my husband*, my son or anyone in my VERY immediate family)

HW-i-double-hate-the-damned-phoneThis loathing of the phone is not a huge issue  and for that I am very lucky – I can “talk” via any form of electronic media and get my point across, keep in contact and you know – get on with stuff. And if I analyse it really thoroughly, which of course I am doing for the purposes of research for this post, it’s not the actual call I don’t like as much as instigating the call.

I loathe phoning people, especially people with whom I have no previous connection and you’d be surprised at how often this actually happens.  Here are just some of the things I have big problems with

  • Making an appointment at the hairdresser
  • Booking a table for dinner
  • Making an appointment for a doctor I have never seen before
  • Calling a shop to find out if they have something in stock (actually I shouldn’t include this because I never do it – would rather go there and find out in person)
  • Phoning someone I don’t know very well who’s called me and left me a message to call them back (which is what I have to do right now which is the main reason for me writing this post

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The one thing that I try to do to alleviate my anxiety at making the call is to Google the person that I am trying to call. If they don’t look intimidating I feel a little easier – this never works for hairdressers.

Put it this way, if I was employed as a cold caller I would be fired during the first hour when I sat doodling nervously on a paper pad while waiting for the courage to pick up the phone.  In fact I have a very “impressive” doodling collection sitting on the table in my own study. If you look through the doodles very carefully you will see the word “hello” written a billion times – clearly I am urging myself to start somewhere.

I am not quite sure why I am so nervous of the phone I just know that if I keep typing and typing I can put off making the calls I am supposed to make this morning.

* there are caveats to this – when he is on the way home from work and I am doing a bazillion things at home and I call to find out what time he is coming home and he just wants to chat to wile away the time in the traffic then I definitely hate phoning him.