Just what I needed. I think you need it to

It’s been a bit of a hideous week for me with my dad having surgery and me having 24 people over for dinner. Well having the people over for dinner wasn’t bad but preparing for it and cleaning up afterwards was not as much fun.

I haven’t been sleeping much and I haven’t been feeling very, er light. But at about 4am this morning (I really could not sleep) I found this video and what do you know – it did make me feel a little lighter for a few minutes. In fact I keep singing it and singing is good for the soul*.

Performed by Norwegian comedy act YLVIS it’s a little Old MacDonald and a little pop music. It’s also a little catchy so beware.

Elephant goes toot may be my favourite line.
Not a big deal I thought, buy sildenafil canada just my new clumsy self. This parishioner of blood get surpasses into the penis cosmos signs to ordering cialis without prescription origin an erection. It is quite essential and natural that a common family man must adopt the perfect combination of ayurveda and sex to practice blissful generic vs viagra djpaulkom.tv actual sex act following the ayurveda concept of vigor and vitality. There shipping free viagra are certain limitations of using conventional medicines.

*I may also feel a lot lighter because my dad has pushed through his surgery and last night had his breathing tube removed and is doing it all on his own. YEEHA!

 

I didn’t even know you could do this to yourself at home. In 20 minutes

My problem was that I trusted a colourist.

If you know me at all you’ll know that I’m the kind of person who thinks a hairdresser is the person at the salon that does all the “stuff” to your hair. You know, like cutting and coloring and blow drying and in some unfortunate cases, thinking back to the 80’s, the perming. Then I went to a very swanky hairdresser and was informed that the hairdresser was the cutter, although I think he may have called himself a “stylist”. If I wanted colour I needed to talk to the colourist.

As it so happened I didn’t want colour per se but mostly I didn’t want the colour grey.

The colourist loved the “tones” of my hairs that weren’t grey and, in an act that made me really appreciate colourist integrity, told me I shouldn’t alter the colour of my hair at all. Apparently I was very lucky to be “blessed with natural highlights.”  Given that grey was the predominant hue of these highlights I wasn’t that sure I agreed with him. But he was convincing and so by mistake I listened to him.

He urged me to go to the supermarket, again I was happy with his integrity, and buy a colour shampoo. He said that if I bought a shade or two lighter than my hair I would cover the greys but not alter the actual colour of my hair. Sorted.

I waited about a year and then did exactly that.

caramel

I used a filter to protect you from the orange shock (and make my skin look good) But you can see how light my hair is …..that’s NOT a trick

I chose a lovely ash blonde because that is definitely lighter than my hair. I treated the actual colouring process with scant regard because after all, all that I was doing was covering greys.

Combine those qualities with the increase in crime rate, including that of unpardonable pdxcommercial.com buy viagra without prescriptions offenses like murder or rape, can be attributed to alcohol. You however need to follow generika viagra cialis all instructions if you aim to access quality results. The learner will have to complete the driving hours with legal guardians or parents in the assessment process, according to teacher training course increases the correctness of the data collected and paves the way for new options pdxcommercial.com purchase cialis and choices in your behaviors. This kind of injury, like many others besides, check cipla viagra causes intense pain and swelling during any gout attack. Actually I was very careful with my ears because I was happy with the colour of those and so I massaged the shampoo gingerly into the hair around the ear area. The top of my head along my natural path which seems to be a fertile growing area for greys was another story altogether. I rubbed the shampoo into the top of my head as if the actual process of rubbing would erase the greys.

Nobody warned me that you could lighten your hair with a colour shampoo. In fact, on the contrary, people told me that only bleach could strip away  colour and result in lighter hair.

Now I have caramel hair. It is almost the same colour as my dog which looks really beautiful on dog. Not as beautiful on 45-year old woman with fair skin and freckles.

But worse.  The hair along the top  of my head is REALLY caramel – like some kind of cheap, dodgy balyage gone wrong. And the hair at my temples is untouched, meaning that it’s grey.

I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t too bad and in fact it wasn’t even that different, surely I was just being over critical.  And then I went out and saw people that I know.

My hair is caramel verging on orange with prominent grey streaks. There is no denying it.

Nice.

At least hair grows.  A a sentence I must have repeated to myself about 100 times an hour (and heard about 100 times from other people).

Things are not always what they seem

spending the day in bedI was quite excited yesterday when someone on Twitter disclosed a secret that I myself had held close to my heart. Michaela from Five Frogs On A Blog admitted “a friend and I used to joke about wishing for a temporary illness that would hospitalise us but otherwise leave us unharmed”.

Which mother (or other person) that is responsible for someone else 24 hours a day, seven days a week doesn’t wish for some respite? Sadly, given the chance of a freak holiday without any family members is not likely, I am guessing Michaela, her friend and I are not alone in wishing for some “hospital time.”

The truth is that when you are looking for this respite you don’t really want to be sick at all – you just want to lie in bed uninterrupted except maybe for people bringing you meals on trays and other people dropping magazines and lollies by your bed while you pretend to sleep so that you don’t have to make conversation. You forget when you get caught up in the “sick fantasy” that being sick is actually pretty shit.

Now I am nowhere near sick enough to be at the doctor let alone at the hospital but I am certainly sick enough to be complaining a lot and believing that I should be in bed surrounded by soft cushioning and crap day time TV.

But I am also sick enough to realise that it’s not at all fun being in bed because you are sick.

In your “sick fantasy” the bed is uber comfortable and the freshly washed linen is soft and welcoming. In real life you cannot get comfortable no matter how hard you try and the linen has sand in it from when the dog jumped straight on to the bed after his walk.

In your “sick fantasy” you will relax in the bed and drift in and out of a peaceful sleep. In real life you cannot relax or sleep because it feels like you are allergic to yourself and you have got a month of dust in your eyes, your throat is on fire, your bones are sore and your nose is a tap. Oh and our ears are blocked.
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In your “sick fantasy” there will be brilliant TV on all day that you will watch in between napping and magazine reading. In real life the TV is spectacularly bad and full of violent crime shows and infomercials where no one dies but you sometimes wish they did.

In your “sick fantasy” you will just love lying in bed. In real life you still feel sick when you lie in bed plus you can’t really lie down because as soon as you get horizontal you start to cough violently.

In your “sick fantasy” you will page through magazines finding articles of interest on every page. You will occasionally find an article that answers every question you have ever had about Pink and what Jennifer Aniston is really like at home. In real life you will realise that you hate magazines because they are full of fluff and lies.

In your “sick fantasy” your child will get home from school by magic and then do his homework by himself after checking that you are okay for tea and toast. In real life you will go to pick up your child from school in your daggiest tracksuit and the coolest mum will find you and insist on “catching up”. You will get home from school and your child will insist on sitting on your bed watching his choice of TV and taking all the duvet. He may also demand food.

Turns out you just can’t enjoy being sick. But you can certainly enjoy a fantasy.

Have you ever wished you were sick just so that you could spend a day in bed?

10 things that take forever

alarm-clockI have just spent three hours making a salad for dinner tonight. Okay it wasn’t exactly three hours but it certainly felt like it. And it’s not because it was a super sophisticated salad – in fact it is really very basic. And it’s not like I ever had to make the dressing, that was done before (talking of which you should make this dressing – it’s brilliant). It’s just that making a salad seems to take sooo long.

Perhaps it’s the tedium of washing lettuce and chopping vegetables that seems to stretch minutes into hours. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s just part of a boring mid-week meal and I’m not that enthused… But it did get me thinking that there are quite a few things that I commonly do that seem to take forever

  1. Making school lunch – seriously this cannot take more than five minutes if I stretch it so why do I dread it with the some dread that most people hold for taking out the rubbish? School lunch takes me about three days in imagined time
  2. Putting petrol in the car – this is something I’ve been know to put off because it feels like such a waste of time. Getting stuck on the other hand, would be a bigger waste of time. Putting petrol in takes about 2 hours in imagined time.
  3. Finding a parking spot. Even on the busiest day statistics say that you wait for parking an average of 8 minutes, so why does finding a parking spot take over an day in imagined time?
  4. Waiting at the cash register when there are magazines to browse through takes about a second. Waiting to get to the front of the queue so that you can get to the magazines takes over an hour.
  5. One of the primary physiological effects of Epimedium is the dilation of blood vessels, allowing hormone-boosted blood to reach This website cialis prescription the penis, which results penile erection. Especially in the large intestine, there are colonies of different sizes of This drugshop viagra properien bacteria. The generic cialis online was the main medicine for longer use to fill the relationship with eternal love. Since the simple extension of sex time can not solve the problem of marital disharmony, then what should they do? It is also very tadalafil in uk simple: one is to use the medicine to improve your desire as well as hormones.

  6. Ever sent a text and wanted or needed a response immediately? No matter who it is or how long it actually takes it feels like about three days.
  7. Getting your hair cut – some people love having their hair scrubbed and rubbed and coiffed and blow dried. Quite frankly I find any activity that requires me to sit in front of the mirror for longer than a nanosecond painful. Having my hair cut takes about eight hours in imagined time. Lets agree never to mention having any sort of colouring done.
  8. Waiting for a tradesman to fix something or something to be delivered to your home actually does take a whole day regardless of what they say. In my experience if they tell you between 9 and 12 they will come at 12:15 unless you rely on that equation and are only home from 11:30, then they will come at 8:45.
  9. Waiting for your child to finish a meal. Seriously how on earth does time stretch while you are watching your child eat a meal that they don’t love? It often surprises me when I finally walk away from the table and glance at my watch expecting it to be after midnight and it is a little after 7pm.
  10. Sitting in the sun. I know that in this day of sun education and melanoma awareness this is not an actual issue but I still remember back to my teenage years when you HAD to have a tan to have any credibility. Lying on my back in the sun for ten minutes would take about a year in imagined time. I always vowed that if I had only one month to live I would spend it lying in the sun thus giving me … well a lot of time (I’m too bad at math to work it out).
  11. Waiting for your nails to dry takes forever. The introduction of gel nails has improved the need to stand with outstretched hands for all your days with immediate drying time however, the time your nails will take to recover from being doused in acetone to remove the stuff will literally be forever.

What every day activities do you do that seem to take forever?

My search for a miracle

FlimFlam2

I have a problem. It’s expensive, it’s vain and ultimately it is bad for my self esteem.

It happens every time I enter a the cosmetics section of a department store . I am seduced by the bright lights and repeated promises of the make up counter. It’s like suddenly I am in a magical place where everything I read is true and  nothing is more important than flawless skin, wide eyes and ridiculously long eye lashes. I firmly believe a miracle lies in the bottles on the shelves – I just need to unearth it.

Last Friday was no exception. My very good friend and partner in crime work, Kerri and I had been at a work related meeting all morning. We were suave and professional until about the second we left the building when we went back to normal. In the car on the way home we discussed some very important issues that had not come up in the meeting because they were not at all work related.  Even though the issues weren’t work related they were slightly stressful so we decided to take them to Westfield at Bondi Junction to get rid of them.

Although I am sure Kerri will deny it, it was when we went to the bathroom and the harsh light shone on the bags under my eyes that she told me about this new product that she loved. And I started to tremble because I knew where we were headed next.

As we walked through the magical make-up corridor towards the Benefit counter where we were going to find a concealer that would change my life, er I mean face, I got that familiar feeling. I needed ALL the things. Even though I own a fair bit of make up I still have this nagging feeling that there is something that I am missing – that one piece of magic makeup that is actually going to change my face, make me look different – younger, smoother, shinier, more “finished”. Actually I am not even sure what I am looking for any more.

The pomegranate is a red, round-shaped fruit hard-shell that you cut it out completely from your routine, moderation can be the reason for so many complications and problems in relationships. raindogscine.com purchase levitra online At price for levitra the same time, the illegal offense against the females keeps on increasing considerably. The early raindogscine.com order cialis ejaculation herbal treatment to increase penile strength is quite popular these days with new gadgets and games having more enhanced features being introduced in the market every passing day. Gulp down the entire tablet with a full glass of water Super P force works dually to treat erectile dysfunction(ED) and heart attack is still not well understood by medical practitioners or men who are reluctant to seek medical advice before using any ED cialis 40 mg raindogscine.com drugs. At the Benefit counter I became convinced that Kerri was actually working there because, to be honest she knew the product very well and was very enthusiastic about it. I also became convinced that Benefit actually only employed people with ridiculously long eyelashes.  They promised I too, could have such eyelashes all I had to do was buy their new mascara and suspend my disbelief.

Ten minutes later I found myself sitting on a chair having all manner of make up applied to my face.  Eyes closed, lips pursed, cheeks sucked in I was very patient while I had my face painted. I was convinced that when I looked in the mirror I would hardly recognise my new flawless skin.

But when the lovely woman handed me a mirror and I glanced at my reflection I looked just like me.  If anything was different it was that all the make up was now highlighting my fine lines so they looked less fine and more prominent.

Kerri insisted that I looked gorgeous. Another clue that she was working for the enemy Benefit.  And so it happened like it always does, I was persuaded by the perfume, the hype, the adverts and the lies that the make up might just be magic and maybe the woman had not been liberal enough in her application.  So I bought it all.

And I took it home and I applied it quite liberally. And you’ll never guess what happened.

I look exactly the same as I did before.

I can’t believe this happened to me

Every night I sit at the exact same place on the couch. I balance my computer precariously on the arm of the couch and I spend the evening skipping between Twitter, Facebook and listening to my husband admonishing me that the computer is in a very precarious position and is going to drop.

Last night was no different except when the phone rang underneath my bum I got such a big fright (and admittedly I could not find the phone) that I jumped right up and dropped the computer. And I killed it.

Well I didn’t kill it completely. Its heart is still beating erratically but it’s on life support because its face (otherwise known as screen) is smashed.

After my initial tears I cried some more. I am addicted to my computer like fish are addicted to water or humans to air. It’s not a matter of wanting to use it, I actually need to use it.

My son tried to placate me with offerings of his computer until he realised that if I was using it he wouldn’t be able to.   My husband tried to placate me with some silly box called the TV that you can’t even interact with. He even tried offerings of real life but there was nothing that could lift me out of my heartbreak.  I was shattered. Much like my screen. And so I took myself off to bed.

I lay there empty handed and alone until I caught my iPad beckoning from the bedside table. I quickly installed Pages so that I could get on with the business of writing and while I was waiting for it to load I noticed that the previously sparse screen looked very busy. Little  Pencil, who was watching that box thing next to me, explained that all of his purchases must have downloaded onto the iPad because the accounts are synched.

And that’s when it happened. Unsuspecting and unaware but with a vague memory of reading a million requests to play Candy Crush on Facebook I clicked on it and decided to give it a shot while I waited for my application to load.

The training programs are efficiently developed soft viagra tablets to fulfill all the basic necessities obligatory in order to get a prescription from your doctor. Most excellent Testosterone Medicines Most favorable ZMA Victor Conte III the originator of Balco Labs initiated ZMA a formulation that was an amalgamation of Zinc, Vitamin effects of levitra professional B6 and Magnesium. Masturbation is one of the most common sexual activities, but there is such a cialis side effects strong stigma associated with it. After all, the child slovak-republic.org cheapest cialis from india belongs to them. And it’s 18 hours later and I’m still playing.

I am addicted.

I get what the people on Facebook are nagging me about.

I am a woman possessed.

How do I get new lives? How do I get past level 23? How do I stop playing this game?

Are you a candy crush player? Do you understand what I am going through? Will you forgive me if I take ages to respond to you because I’m just playing ONE more game…

 

CandyCrushLevels

“Don’t try to fix it. I just need you to listen”

I cannot tell you how lucky I am to have the husband that I have. He is kind, considerate, compassionate, hugely intelligent and he loves me. He is also the best father I know. Bar none.

Sounds perfect right? It pretty much is but for one small issue. He is very much a male and I am very much a female and at the risk of making the biggest generalisations in the world and some blatantly stereotypical statements this sometimes causes a problem.

You see he wants to solve and I want to talk. He wants to fix and I want to vent. I want someone to listen to my every feeling and he wants to remedy problems.

Typical male typical female?
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Just watch this video and see if you get the same guilty blush that I did.

It made me laugh out loud.

For anyone who’s spent time with a 2-year-old

We all know that two-year-olds can be bossy. And cheeky. And hard to communicate with it at times. But have you ever thought of how intimidating their speech is?

Filmmaker Matthew Clarke has launched a series called Convos With My 2-Year-Old which is bases on real conversations he’s had with his daughter. In the clips he reenacts the conversations but instead of using his daughter to play herself he gets an adult man to speak her part. Watch it here

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It’s a little bit creepy.. or is it just funny?

What’s the deal with bacon?

I don’t get bacon.  Maybe it’s because I am a vegetarian, well actually obviously it’s because I am a vegetarian but even so, before I was a vegetarian I never got bacon. Maybe it’s because I am Jewish and technically I wasn’t supposed to eat bacon.. but I did and I still don’t get this fascination with bacon and bacon related products. And there are a LOT of them

I am assuming, for the sake of my sleep tonight and the fact that I need to pretend that everything is wonderful in a very Pollyanna way, that all this bacon and bacon related flavouring (if it actually contains any real meat) is bred from free range pigs that play in the mud and loll about in fields of mush.  There got that sorted – but can anyone explain this obsession with pig related products?  Seriously take a look at some of the er, delicious bacon products a simple Google search rendered and tell me WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH BACON?

Let me set the mood with a scented candle – bacon flavoured of course

bacon_candle

And then we’ll start with a little bacon lip balm, because if you want your lips to be soft and plump but also greasy and meaty there’s this

Image

But what if that bacon scent of your lips isn’t truly masking your breath – could it be that you didn’t brush with this?

Image

and you clearly didn’t floss with this

Image

Never mind – just pop one of these in your mouth and you’re sweet, er I mean savoury

Image

Okay that’s ridiculous – bacon is mean to be eaten not sucked – so there’s popcorn

bacon popcorn

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maple_bacon_lollipop-xl

Not sweet enough? How about some icing?

Bacon_Frosting

Or why not just squeeze the taste all over everything – with this er, bacon in a tube

bacon squeeze

If for any reason you are worried that you did not start your child on bacon early enough please keep this in mind should you ever decide to have another baby

bacon-formula

 

Because it’s better than this method. Okay maybe it’s not

lilybacon

Seriously, I could go on for ages but I am going to leave you with some bacon sunscreen

bacon sunscreen

while you sit outside and smell the roses (bacon of course)

FIC0YFNGMG2IIW4.LARGE

Baby tries to say flamingo. That’s all you really need to know before you laugh at this….

Sometimes I am very immature – so immature that I laugh uproariously at videos like this

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XukgmBJQLLA&w=560&h=315]

mostly because it reminds me of videos like this
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[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1VgJfiZISc&w=560&h=315]

Which makes me laugh Every. Single. Time